market street ramblings...

nerds need love too...

2012-01-24T19:56:00.000-08:00

in this first month of 2012, i've learned a random thing or two about life, the world, and myself. Life can flit by so quickly and haphazardly that i forget to take stock of these things. here's an attempt to remember...

Weather Surprises: i realized i am far more grateful for the PNW weather than i previously thought. maybe it's because it hasn't been a typical winter season. there has been some sun, some clouds, a pile of rain, and even a wee bit of snow. i must admit i love snow and wish the PNW received a bit more from Jack Frost each year. still, i cannot complain, for i don't even need to own a snow shovel. just an ice scraper for my car...and i don't.

Microsoft Excel: to my dismay, i'm becoming more adept in using excel. sure, it's all work-driven but i'm actually learning to like its features and not roll my eyes every time i see those little cell boxes.

The Book of Awakening: i started reading this book -- a lesson a day -- and have been deeply grateful for this spiritual experience. pick up a copy. it will challenge you in the greatest of ways.

Dots Candy: chewy, little pieces of fruit candy. fat free yet straight sugar. curses to the friend that got me hooked on these. a few of these gems are the perfect remedy for a little sugar craving. particularly when a piece of real fruit just simply isn't enough.

Nerds Need Love Too: with a Christmas gift card, i purchased a vintage baseball tee that has a picture of "Little Miss Sunshine" on it dressed as a nerd with this title below her smiling face. yes, i purchased it. yes, i love to read and write. yes, i am a nerd. just love me for it...

Computer Glasses: based on the aforementioned reading, writing, and excelling, i needed to get computer glasses to strengthen my vision and support my weary, strained eyes. so now i have glasses for long distance and glasses for computer usage. they are black, rather hip, and go perfectly with my t-shirt.

Women Journalists: i've been reading more about women journalists around the world. such interesting lives, deep passion for important world issues, and yet receive little acknowledgement for their work in exposing and exploring the many layers to both sides of a story. support them, read their work whenever you can, and thank them for pulling your attention out from behind your starbucks-adled life.

Birthdays & Anniversaries: january is full of birthdays and anniversaries of those i hold dear. i forget, however, to wish them well on their special days. it's difficult to keep track of my laundry, let alone a birthday. so i've failed this month in sending best wishes to some people. and have remembered for others. don't take it personally if i've forgotten your special day -- i haven't meant to -- and know i love you even when i forget to say so.

Projects: sometimes i love them. sometimes i abhor them. now, i don't mean work projects here; those always need to get done. i'm talking about those 'would be great if you could finish but no one will notice if you don't either' kind of project. file organization, photo books, recipe organization, home decor, mail sorting, to name a few. will i really save minutes in my day if my recipes are categorized?

I Heart Madge: my little honda accord is getting up in years. she is tired, quirky, and full of spitfire. her latest obsession? no defrost, heat, or A/C. she's au naturale...and wants me to do the same by rolling down the windows while driving in frigid temperatures. but i still love her. cannot seem to work up the courage to trade her in.

Headsets Don't Like Me: no matter what, headsets always get tangled up in my possession. it doesn't matter how i wrap them up. whether for my iphone or work phone, headsets seem to take one look at me and run in circles to get away. i spend minutes every day untangling a headset just to use it, dammit

Life is Beautiful: just the way it is. chaotic, unjust, painful, laugh-able, excruciating. all of it is blessed, somehow. stained by us humans yet anointed by the Divine. truly remarkable stuff.

here's to january. a great start to more ponderings and learnings in the year ahead...

new year reflections...

2011-12-25T19:29:00.000-08:00

How swiftly the dawn turns to night and the days turn over another year or ‘page’ in the book of life. I’ve thought a lot lately about how quickly weeks go by in a single year, particularly with the busyness of our daily lives. The morning commutes. The workloads. The dinners on the run. The long grocery store lines. The piles of laundry. The scrambling of schedules it often takes to see the dentist or get a haircut.

Each day so artfully or haphazardly in motion, adding up to another full year on the calendar. Underneath it all, though, is the pulse of life. Beating steadily, quietly; asking us to look deeper into the everyday moments.

As I look back on 2011, I am reminded of many a joy and challenge. The simple beauty of friendship—those both new and longtime dear—and how they teach me daily. The warmth of a cup of coffee or a dog on your lap while reading. The richness of physical health and the challenges of finding it again. The awesomeness of a nap or in completing a crossword puzzle. Redisovering old hobbies and building new habits. Capturing opportunities to give in new ways and learning how to receive from there as well. Bearing witness to the wonders of new birth and the tragedy of untimely death.

Regardless of the joy or challenge, they truly are pieces of inspiration or fragments of grace if my heart so chooses to view them as such. This can be difficult to do…yet oh, so necessary. I must look closely at life just as it peers back at me, begging me to see its beauty within these daily moments and challenging me to honor them before they are gone.

I didn’t accomplish everything I wanted to in 2011. I didn’t schedule an extended vacation. I didn’t exercise daily. I spent more time at work than I did at play. I didn’t even floss much and that dentist appointment is just three days away! However, I seek to look ahead into the New Year with a spirit of gratitude for what is behind me and for what may come. I thank you for being in my life—whether near or far, met or not—and for enriching its story.

The New Year is a fresh, blank page for all of us. May we write upon it well.

Much love and prayers to you,
Tonyalynne

memories pour forth...

2011-12-10T09:05:00.000-08:00

memories pour forth in the month of december.

of times past. of things forgotten, now recalled. or of things you will never forget.

maybe it's the holiday spirit. the gathering of family and friends. or the absence of the same. my mind and heart have quieted lately as i take in many a memory. here are a few...

White Christmas: several years ago, the PNW received a very white Christmas. while it changed travel plans, there was something magical about such an abundance of powder for the holidays.

Trevi: named after the lovely fountain in Rome, Trevi was one of my very favorite Christmas trees. He was a surprise gift and a well-timed one too. Every year, I name my Christmas tree but Trevi will always hold a special place in my heart.

My First Midnight Mass: beautiful choir, candlelight and incense, carols and a simple message, my very first midnight mass 10 plus years ago was absolutely remarkable. every december, i think of it. all other midnight masses are beautiful but the "first" is truly special.

Melissa's Hot Cocoa Making: my dear friend Melissa has the best recipe for homemade hot cocoa. i couldn't tell you the ingredients but watching her make enormous batches of it is a sight to see. The process involves a costco membership, large kitchen table, and several giant garbage bags. the result? a simply to-die-for winter beverage.

Good Secrets: secret snowflake games at work. holiday gifting and experiences of years past. december marks a special place in my life for all the good secrets we keep from each other.

Christmas...A Different Way: all the years my immediate family and i took a different route through the Christmas season. no gifts. no cards. no trees or cookies. just being there for each other. at home. in hospitals. or somewhere in between.

Market Street: many a holiday spent in this drafty apartment. sitting by the living room heater with the aforementioned hot cocoa drink in my icy cold hands. walking down the hill slowly to the train. hearing the church bells chime a holiday hymn every saturday at noon.

Spritz Cookies: watching my mother mix up the dough, fill the cookie press, and create unique cookie shapes. helping her glaze the tops and sprinkle with colored sugar and other delights. my eyes still smile when i think of this childhood memory.

Stocking Stuffers: i always seem to remember my stocking stuffers--those i give and those i receive. not sure why. oh, the randomness of it all!

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas: this is my favorite non-religious holiday song. and i seem to remember where i am whenever it is played. traveling alone. decorating a tree on market street. shopping at target. baking holiday bread. writing a letter to a friend. watching a heart monitor in the hospital room. wrapping gifts near the tree. walking through the snow listening to an ipod. trying to sleep on an airplane. watching the colors of flame in the fireplace.

My Mother: ever present in my memory, december brings even the blurriest memories into full focus. her warmth, the feel of her hugs, her twinkling blue eyes, her dry hands from all the baking, her laughter. even her tears.

it's remarkable, isn't it? we all remember differently...yet samely. sometimes memories are so alive within you--as if it's happening all over again. and then there are times where no matter what you wish, all you have left is the memory. and your heart breaks because even that is crumbling away.

even so, the holidays are meant to be spent with family and friends--those you have and with the memories of those you've lost.

whomever you find yourself with or without this holiday season, may the warmth of their presence be tucked away somewhere in your memory for another december.

december delights...

2011-12-04T20:21:00.000-08:00

the pacific northwest winter blew onto the calendar a few weeks ago. some rain at first, turning the fallen autumn leaves into sludgy piles of dark earthen brown.

the clouds gave way, however, to abundantly clear blue skies in recent days. a deep chill in the air but the promise of no rain for the next week is truly fabulous. i love the richness of the winter air -- it's as though it has something to say but cannot quite find the words so it just lingers with you.

after a decade or more, i re-watched The Sound of Music with some friends recently. The film is often broadcast during the holiday season so we decided to settle in for an evening with a bowl of popcorn and experience this musical extravaganza once again. not since performing in a stage production of the story had i sang along to classics like 'my favorite things' or 'i have confidence'. those words sure stick in your mind, though. i wish i could remember my computer passwords that well...

the film reminded me of a few important lessons as well. the power of intention, the true measure of talent, and the act of genuine surrender to experiences far greater than oneself. not too shabby for an evening of TV watchin'...now on to the real world application of these lessons!

and now for a few of my favorite december delights...

Scarves: the autumn and winter months are not complete without a scarf lingering around my neck. warm, soft, of every texture and color, scarves are my clothing's constant companion.

Hot Drinks: there is nothing so lovely as a hot drink in my hands. Coffee, tea, cocoa, or something a bit stronger is just the perfect treat on a winter day.

Holiday Cards: i must admit i adore receiving holiday cards far more than sending them. it is always so fun to see the pictures, hear the stories, and learn something new a far-off loved one has experienced in 2011.

The Grinch: Hilarious. Misunderstood. His devilish grin. The part where his heart grows in size makes me laugh and cry at the same time. Funnily enough, the Grinch always reminds me how to become a better person.

Christmas Trees: these beautiful pieces of nature are truly one of my hallmark joys during this holiday season. the smell of a douglas fir is simply tremendous. finding the perfect size, hauling it into the house, decorating with twinkly lights, arranging gifts beneath its boughs, and lounging in the dark beside it listening to frank sinatra sing the winter blues. truly, what is better?

i could go on...but as the song says, these are just a few of my favorite winter things.

your turn...what is one thing/experience you eagerly anticipate this holiday season?

within a cup of coffee...

2011-11-03T18:47:00.000-07:00

as the wind kicks up and the temperature drops, i tend to long for warm cups of coffee or some other novelty drink that adds its own flavor to my morning workday.

at starbucks, autumn enters the scene with the pumpkin spice latte. or the hot apple cider with a wee bit of caramel. then november arrives and with it, the launch of the gingerbread latte and salted caramel hot chocolate or mocha. apparently the peppermint mocha is available year round. yet, as ridiculous as this sounds, seems to taste better when served in those classic holiday red cups.

down the road at peets, despite the arrivals of similar pumpkin, gingerbread, and peppermint options, there is simply no substitute for the simple richness of the extra hot vanilla latte. made with whole milk--ack, i know--the foam is to-die-for and the swirl of vanilla runs deep in this warm cup of goodness. i'm still simultaneously praising and cursing my dear friend for introducing me to this heavenly drink.

since relocating to a certain building downtown, i have--for better or worse--become a more frequent visitor to the starbucks nestled at the bottom of the high rise i spend my workdays in. the staff are vivaciously friendly at ungodly morning hours, greet me with a smile, and invite my questions about life in their coffee driven world. they have learned my name as i've learned theirs and even know how to spell it correctly on the cup. sometimes they challenge me to consider new drinks but most often have the cup of my old favorite ready in hand when they see me coming.

through this experience, i have realized that getting a cup of coffee is more than just that. it's about connections we make. rituals we create. communities we build. money we spend. and the time we take, waste, or gain for all of it.

whether you frequent a coffee shop, brew your own, or stay away from the stuff, may you still experience the warmth of this season. And may all your little traditions spill more deeply into your life than as far as the holidays can carry them.

beneath the autumn chill...

2011-10-16T13:27:00.000-07:00

we now wander into the final days of october. autumn broke through our resistance a bit early this year and arrived in a cloud of chill and turning leaves upon september's end. the summer here in the PNW was brief. but i cannot mourn, for this richly beautiful season always stokes my spirit far more intensely than any ray of sun.

traipsing through pumpkin patches, saturday walks through fallen leaves, donning scarves of every fiber and color, and nestling indoors on the couch with a cup of hot apple cider and a roaring fire. what is better, really.

this particular autumn, an additional accessory adorns my daily life--a walking cane. borrowed from my grandmother and previously owned by my great-grandmother, i am in need of its support as i wander through the leaves this year. i re-injured my lower back (sacral lock and torn ligament is the quickest explanation) and my mobility has slowed significantly. not since the severe initial injury four years ago has the pain been so great. i guess i am meant to travel more deliberately, more peacefully, through this season.

life always changes. daily, hourly. yet somehow it still creeps up on us and catches us unaware. the sun bidding adieu as a rainstorm enters the day. a maple leaf casting shadows of green one week and crimson the next. walking swiftly across the street one sunday afternoon. then barely shuffling along on monday with a memory of your great-grandmother in your left hand. picking up leaves that catch your eye to asking your friend to stoop down for you instead. or simply to see them--really see them--and then let them go to wander with the wind's call.

another season, another year of life. i am reminded of that quote that says something like this: 'how we spend our days is how we spend our life.' at first thought, this is difficult to think of right now. after all, i'd rather be jumping in mud puddles than trying to avoid them for fear of falling. but, with every change, there is a lesson if we choose to seek it out. and just because we see the lesson doesn't always mean we truly learn it.

beneath this autumn's chill, a lesson lies waiting for me. out amidst the cold and dampness of spirit. i am tired and wearisome. but i must try again. i pull on a coat of strength, a scarf of grace, and prepare to meet it.

and with the wisdom of my great-grandmother coming to rest in my hand, i take another step toward learning...

wanted: inspiration

2011-09-28T17:16:00.000-07:00

i don't have to tell you this, reader, but i've been lacking inspiration for blogging. it has been months since i sat down and rambled upon this page. sadly, this delay is not for lack of words but rather the inspiration all words need behind them to truly stick to someone else. to be read, heard, remembered, or even forgotten.

i cannot pretend to know how little (or often) readers have ventured onto this little blog on the wide expanse of internet community out there. perhaps very few, or perhaps colonies. regardless, if any reader has been left waiting, i'm sorry to have stood you up for such a long time.

i simply haven't had inspiration.

life continues along. work is frantic. social life is quiet, lovely and relaxing. my address has changed but my antics haven't. market street is a chapter now closed but a beautiful one to recall.

perhaps a new title for this blog is now in order. thoughts?

maybe after a new street? or a new antic? or maybe some superfluous or random order of words strung together to create a sassy new title that challenges me to live up to it?

and now we've come full circle. we're back to

wanted: inspiration

death & taxes...and one (un)certain thing...

2011-03-24T20:51:00.000-07:00

some say these are the only certainties in life. what do you think?

maybe it's the looming april 15th deadline swiftly approaching or the depths of my lenten contemplation but my mind has been immersed in 'certainty' these past few weeks.

first of all, what a funny concept. both disarming and comforting, 'absolute certainty' is one of those things we humans love and hate.

we adore its balming influence, particularly as it soothes the ache of our cracked spirits. the longing to hold onto something we believe to be truth is a potent medicinal indeed. it sets us right again, somehow.

oh, but how certainty can burrow like a thorn in your flesh. whether a mere prick or a deep gouge to your soulskin, certainty--its presence or absence in your life--can break your heart.

as i calculated my 2009 taxable donations a few days ago, i looked down at the kitchen table and saw sharpie scrawls of the estimated value of these goods. it made me smile. despite being considered one of the great certainties in life, i didn't have certainty at all...but simply an estimate.

sure, taxes are here to stay (that's a whole other blog scribble) but they still require faith. faith in estimates, in the value of mathematics or a good accountant, and in the many handlers of these lil' things we call tax monies.

then, there's those lenten prayers. what happens with prayer? again, a little act so disarming and yet calming. even in times of my utmost disbelief, prayer is the language i cling to...offered to a God who is both all certainty and all mystery. do i know these prayers or--more accurately--this gibberish that rolls off my mind's tongue, is acted upon or even heard? well...you see my point...

taxes come around every year. and death is possible anytime.

but it is somehow faith--that which anchors our belief in the (un)certain--can be the most certain thing of all.

cracks in the sidewalk...

2011-03-20T19:47:00.000-07:00

i've been rather negligent in my blog writing lately. while i promised myself i would dive back in full force in the year of 2011, i simply haven't.

there has been much to ponder lately. yet, i tend to mull over life's questions internally first or on the fresh pages of a journal before ever attempting to scrawl words across a public domain page.

as spring nears and the moon goes to bed a bit later than in the winter's chill, i have been enjoying evening walks around my neighborhood. the quietness begs for my attention after a long day of "rush, rush, rush."

since my fall and subsequently severe lower back injury nearly 3 years ago, exercise in its many forms has been difficult for me to sustain without dehabilitating results. this reality has been a blow to my spirit, particularly as i've watched toned muscle melt into a pool of curvy flesh. vanity perhaps, but my truth all the same.

walking, however, has been a refuge of sorts for me. while not a heart-pounding workout, it does allow my head and my heart to pause and truly acknowledge one another.

with one foot in front of the other, i wander the sidewalks of my neighborhood--sometimes with friends, sometimes alone. the pavement stretches out before me, with long, slender cracks drawing me further into their story.

shel silverstein once wrote about 'where the sidewalk ends.' but what about the cracks--the scars--of these sidewalks? how did the pressure of life's weight break down their gray canvas? did the sidewalk mourn that first scar? or it is in the crack, that life's earth can break through and grow up an orphaned dandelion or daisy?

we all know--in one way or another--the pain and anguish of brokenness. the feeling of that first scar slicing across our spirit. or perhaps the long-ago scar breaking open once more after a journey down a sidewalk we swore we'd never venture down again.

so why do we take the risk and walk it again? i don't know for sure. i can only imagine that we, like sidewalks, possess a story far more glorious because of our cracked spirits than from any pristine canvas we could long for.

take watch, kind sir...

2011-02-06T16:43:00.000-08:00

he offers his haunts to the waters

casting a line of pain

into the deep

down where all heaviness falls

take watch, he must

patience, befriend

truth, honor

or the heaviness will rise up

and the deep

will drown the spirit

take watch, kind sir,

take watch

already gone...

2011-02-04T21:18:00.001-08:00

already gone

you said you haven't left

but you're lying to yourself

even more than you're lying to me

you were gone before you before you actually left

the absence, the space between

can you feel anything?

if you close your eyes,

if you hold still?

does anything remain

did it leave with you,

or was it ever there?

riding the bus...

2011-01-23T20:14:00.000-08:00

a few words i spilled into my notebook on my bus ride home from work this week...

a city bus

full of strangers

yet living in commonality

all longing for...

no traffic,

an evening apart from their day,

a warm embrace when their housekey turns in the lock,

a peaceful slumber,

then a new day, another chance...

hi...

2011-01-17T19:48:00.000-08:00

it's me.

i've wondered how to begin.

how do you start again after so many months of silence? what do you say?

'hello' seemed only right. the 'how are you' will come with time, i suppose.

i have drifted, yes. but i have also longed to return. and i intend to stick around for a bit too, however hard.

an intention for the new year, perhaps. or maybe not, since it's already halfway through january. regardless of the date, the intention remains.

and what intentions did you make for the new year?

words can wait...

2010-09-11T21:44:00.001-07:00

ever have days -- months even -- when no words really capture where you are, how you feel? where the alphabet doesn't offer letters within your language?

i'm living here. breathing here.

half-written postings sit in my blog drafts folder, unedited or ignored. mind you, i really do wish to write. but the art of stringing thoughts -- even half-baked ones --together has proven tedious and difficult recently.

no worries, friends and strangers. despair it is not...but rather the simple complexity of weariness.

pure rest is my prayer...my intention.

words can wait.

behind the eyes...

2010-07-01T20:40:00.000-07:00

you know how they say 'eyes are the window to the soul' all the time? i don't know who 'they' are but it is said alot and i often wonder about it.

i've been paying attention to eyes lately. in part because i simply find eyes lovely to watch -- how they move, roll, widen, close...

i am also deeply fascinated by the look in one's eye. what does it mean? is their look connected to how they feel at that moment? are eyes responding to an emotion or leading one? are eyes governed by the head or the heart or a little mixture of both?

we talk of seeing love in one's eyes. or maybe anxiety. but is it possible to see trust -- actual trust -- reflected in one's eyes? or perhaps mercy?

while i think hands remain my favorite human feature, eyes just might be next in line. eyes are simply memorable in a way i cannot describe. even the eyes of those i've loved and lost remain with me. and for that, i wonder how close i am to their soul...?

~a green-eyed girl

let the sun shine...

2010-06-21T19:44:00.000-07:00

the first day of summer...but it seems market street missed getting this memo. life has been rather cold and damp in the rose city lately. very unusual weather for june, even in this little part of the world.

here's a little sunshine for you, though. i received a digital camera for my birthday, which means more photos will show up on my blog from time to time. i cannot promise these pictures will be any good -- or capture anything remotely interesting to you -- but i look forward to sharing them all the same.

hope there is sunshine wherever you are...

putzing around...

2010-06-15T19:40:00.000-07:00

i've always liked the term "putzing around." i first heard the word as a little girl by overhearing my irate aunt complain to my not-so-irate uncle that he was just 'putzing around.' i had no idea what she meant, nor even how to spell the word to discover its meaning in the depth of webster's. that's what i get for eavesdropping on my relatives' conversations...

i heard the term again (several times over) when walter matheau barked "PUTZ!" in the direction of his friend, jack lemmon in "grumpy old men," a classic movie my extended family often watched over thanksgiving weekend years ago.

desiring my tongue to spew only a lady's language, my mother insisted i refrain from trying this word on for size. for years, she reminded me that "putz" neither exhibited positivity or genuine regard for whomever the word so happened to be directed. 'do you wish to sound like a dirty ol' man or a young woman?'

yet years later (it's been approximately 11 years since walter matheau crossed my mind), the term "putzing around" still enchants me. now, i do heed my mother's word (sort of) and refrain from using the term to direct hostility toward others. but i highly enjoy the action tense of this word -- putzing around.

which is exactly what i did today! tuesday morning found me hanging out with a bout of the stomach flu. (don't worry -- i deleted the two more descriptive sentences i initially wrote in this blog.) after calling in sick, i decided to nap. this didn't last long, thanks to loud neighbors and my internal clock which reminded me i should be working up a storm instead of trying to quell the storm within.

so i decided to flush my lady language down the toilet today along with the flu and "putz around" for the afternoon. i had little energy for any substantial tasks so i focused on those menial ones we never seem to cross off those pesky mental lists...which never actually even leave my brain long enough to get on an actual list.

in between respites, i organized photos, scheduled medical appointments, organized my itunes library, cleaned two bedroom drawers, and even stared at my ceiling tiles for a good twenty minutes or so. the only truly accomplished thing i've done today was leave my bed for a few increments at a time. definitely putzing around at its finest!

now, i know the word "putz" won't always be the right term for every occasion. i don't recommend using it to highlight your time management skills on a resume or as a term of endearment for your future father-in-law, even if befitting.

however, often when used as an action verb, a smile cannot help but sneak up on you as the word rolls off your unladylike tongue. if you're really lucky, that same smile bounces off you and lands on whomever you're talking to.

simple happiness. all borne from a word. i think even my mother would be proud...

in solitude...

2010-06-10T21:29:00.000-07:00

in solitude we discover our real self...the person beneath the image in the looking-glass. solitude releases our insecurities, sets them free...

in the silence, we hear our spirit and learn to recognize its voice...

in solitude, we become who we are...

if we dare first to embrace the solitude, we can then learn to embrace ourselves.

from the pages of rosa martha...

2010-05-25T22:36:00.000-07:00

“A man’s memories only have worth if they are lifeless. Buildings. Monuments. Statues. She cuts a flower and streaks the pollen on my cheek. This is a woman’s remembrance; the chain of never-ending life."

~Rosa Martha Villarreal

sunrise pondering...

2010-05-19T05:33:00.000-07:00

Our weakness and frailty are not merely places of desolation; they are dance floors—holy places where the God of the universe is allowed to freely move in our lives.
~ Mary DeMuth

i awoke way too early this morning. so i read and discovered this fascinating thought on which to ponder as the sun rose across a gorgeous portland sky.

maybe i was supposed to wake up early...

summer "to do" list...

2010-05-17T17:54:00.001-07:00

i'm not much of a list maker. i've tried to be -- with groceries, errands, to-dos. but it's just plain hard. then i end up in the middle of the vegetable aisle realizing my list is still posted on the frig at home.

some friends i know make lists every day. they enjoy jotting down exactly what needs to be done, crossing it off in some form or fashion once it has been accomplished. some even write a completed "to do" down on their list just to garner the victorious moment of crossing it off! oh yes, and then there are those that make lists of their lists...

i digress...back to list-making. being truly terrible at such things, i have decided i will make a list for the summer of things i wish to do in order to practice this art form, as some call it. (i must admit -- i'm concerned about what the world of art might be becoming if list-making has a place within it.)

at summer's end, i will look back at this list and see what i accomplished. and if you believe something is missing from this list, please feel free to share!

TONYALYNNE'S SUMMER 2010 TO DO LIST:

~take a road trip with no particular destination in mind
~eat fresh pineapple and watermelon
~burn a road trip cd
~finish painting my apartment
~visit family
~bury my feet in warm sand
~fly a kite
~get madge a tune-up (preferably before the aforementioned road trip)
~explore portland for a day -- go nowhere familiar
~spend an entire afternoon at powell's bookstore
~enjoy a rum and coke around a campfire
~eat gelato in the sunshine
~walk a dog in a park
~read some good books -- new and classic
~"summer" clean my apartment
~rid my closets of unnecessary clutter
~write -- poems, chapters
~visit friends
~concoct a new version of lemonade
~drink root beer
~get lost on purpose in a new town
~write a postcard to someone
~lose ten pounds
~rediscover the joy of sleeping outdoors
~tell stories around a campfire
~watch a good movie in the theater or at the drive-in
~go to an outdoor concert
~drink a liter of water daily

and one DON'T...
~don't get a sunburn, oh fair one

and what do YOU wish to accomplish this summer??

a little proverb...

2010-05-12T11:21:00.000-07:00

Give people a fact or an idea and you enlighten their minds; tell them a story and you touch their souls.

-Hasidic Proverb

(i'm home in bed sick today so i don't have much else to share, folks)

the dirt beneath her fingers...

2010-05-09T15:59:00.001-07:00

mr. sunshine chose to descend upon market street this mother's day weekend. quite exhausted after an exhilarating company meeting week, i tried to nap friday afternoon after an early release from the work festivities.

but mr. sunshine wouldn't let me shut my eyes. so i grabbed my $20 petty cash left over from company meeting-ness and trekked off to the local nursery to buy dirt. yes, indeed! us city folk without yards to call our own must buy dirt. fortunately, i have a very cool grandmother who has always taught me how to buy the best dirt for the best price.

saturday afternoon was spent tenderly laboring over my herbs and plants. when i began, the eyesore of a porch lay riddled with dead plants and mold.

but after hours of digging, potting, and cleaning the porch, the furniture was sparkling, the plants were smiling their greeting at mr. sunshine, and the porch was nearly complete.

adonis, a hanging basket cascading with mixed blooms, tickled the afternoon breeze and the nearby windchime of butterflies. named for the greek god of beauty, adonis arrived at market street last week as an early birthday gift from a friend who swears she kills plants just by looking at them.

while people everywhere drift far from home to hug their mothers this weekend, i simply need to wander out onto my porch garden to feel her spirit. my mother longed to finish her chores and get lost in the afternoon sun of a weekend to play in the dirt. and while my heart bleeds for her, my mama was right...someday i too would feel a smile cross my face as my fingers sunk into the earth.

happy mother's day to each of you who have been a mother or a source of wisdom and support to me throughout my days...

the mad ones...

2010-05-04T20:17:00.000-07:00

"the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to listen, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars..."

~jack kerouac

(i adore this thought so i wanted to share...)

what theatre really gives...

2010-03-29T22:02:00.001-07:00

"Help!
Theatre, come to my rescue!
I am asleep. Wake me
I am lost in the dark, guide me, at least toward a candle
I am lazy, shame me
I am tired, raise me up
I am indifferent, strike me
I remain indifferent, beat me up
I am afraid, encourage me
I am ignorant, teach me
I am monstrous, make me human
I am pretentious, make me die of laughter
I am cynical, take me down a peg
I am foolish, transform me
I am wicked, punish me
I am dominating and cruel, fight against me
I am pedantic, make fun of me
I am vulgar, elevate me
I am mute, untie my tongue
I no longer dream, call me a coward or a fool
I have forgotten, throw Memory in my face
I feel old and stale, make the Child in me leap up
I am heavy, give me Music
I am sad, bring me Joy
I am deaf, make Pain shriek like a storm
I am agitated, let Wisdom rise within me
I am weak, kindle Friendship
I am blind, summon all the Lights
I am dominated by Ugliness, bring in conquering Beauty
I have been recruited by Hatred, unleash all the forces of Love."

--Ariane Mnouchkine, director of Theatre de Soleil, in honor of World Theatre Day 2005

across the room...

2010-03-18T21:12:00.000-07:00

You know, there's a thing about the woman across the room. You see the woman across the room, you think, 'She's so poised; she's so together.' But she looks at you and you are the woman across the room for her.

~Diane Von Furstenberg

on modern christianity...

2010-02-22T21:17:00.001-08:00

"As I understand it, into the heart of every Christian, Christ comes, and Christ goes. When, by his Grace, the landscape of the heart becomes vast and deep and limitless, then Christ makes His abode in that graceful heart, and His Will prevails. The experience is recognized as Peace. In the absence of this experience much activity arises, divisions of every sort. Outside of the organizational enterprise, which some applaud and some mistrust, stands the figure of Jesus, nailed to a human predicament, summoning the heart to comprehend its own suffering by dissolving itself in a radical confession of hospitality."

~leonard cohen

nose piercings, bangs, and root beer...

2010-02-22T19:44:00.000-08:00

sounds like a winning combination, eh?

not sure why i'm even writing this...but sometimes the mundane is far more intriguing to share than the innards of one's spirit. or maybe not. maybe we just think it's fascinating but it's actually really dull. regardless, here i am. spilling away to whomever might be venturing onto this web page out in the internet universe.

last december, i finally pierced my nose. i could say it was a "year end celebration" of sorts but that would be lying. after years of planning, i just finally got the time and guts to do it. GUTS -- one of ramona quimby's favorite words and, consequently, one of mine as well. ramona is one of the best literary childhood heroes i know. and i believe it would please her greatly to know she was a hero!

oops, i digress. as i tend to do, according to my friend who was listing off my neuroses the other day. it made me wonder...what is one of your neuroses? do share, please...

oops, i digress again. back to the nose ring.

it's not a ring, actually. it's a tiny diamond stud pierced into the left side of my nose. it's healed quite nicely now. i no longer have to be extra gentle when washing my face, rubbing my nose, or doing any number of other things where my nose could get in the way. (are you laughing at me? i know, i'm rambly this evening) what have i loved most about the nose stud? the way people automatically assume things about you simply because you have a piercing in a place other than your ears. it's remarkable how much we judge others. or feel like we know their story. or the way people think i know their story because we share this trait. so very fascinating!

now, about the bangs. the short story is my bedhead of hair was in desperate need of attention. the curls lacked life and dragged themselves across my shoulders in a rather unbecoming sort of fashion. they needed a pep talk! i don't have a hairstylist i regularly see (hence, the split ends and delinquent curls) so i went to a random salon in a random place and succumbed to the whims of a "tiffany" who convinced me i just "had to try BANG bangs." note: according to tiffany, "BANG bangs" are the real thing -- full fringe across your forehead -- instead of a few wisps here and there or longer layers masquerading as sideswept bangs. (i sound so 90210 right now...ugh)

so, actually quite taken with her convincing declaration of the validity of BANG bangs, i gave in and watched her chop a bunch of my long layers into short, blunt-ish (emphasis on the -ish) fringe atop my head. texturizing shears later, i walked out of the salon with fresh, lively curls and the pesky wrinkles of my forehead veiled by BANG bangs.

now, before you ask (julia!), no pictures are available of either of these small feats in tonyalynne's life. i simply haven't the interest of pictorially documenting them at this moment. next step is probably for me to get into the digital age with my camera too.

and the root beer! how i could i forget about the elixir that makes all things good? root beer remains a constant in my life -- for celebrations, for times of mourning, hard work, complete laziness, and for all the in betweens. i've had all of these moments in the last couple months. and root beer has stayed by my side. asking no questions, telling me no lies. (unless i avoid the caloric intake chart)

mind you, i'm a root beer snob -- "Mug" or "A&W" will simply not do. it must be natural brew or some other variation, ripe with pure ingredients and overflowing with a taste better than most things. oops, i digress again!

so, that's all, folks. not the most brilliant blog posting. nor the most inspirational...unless of course you're itchin' for a new haircut. (if you need tiffany's number, let me know) but i wasn't aiming for either virtue...

now before you go and ignore what i said earlier and ask for a photo, just close your eyes and imagine tonyalynne with bangs and a diamond stud in her left nostril.

if you can imagine that, then the image you've conjured up in your mind is exactly what it looks like...

love your dull friend, TL

thinking of you...

2010-02-07T12:11:00.000-08:00

i woke up this morning thinking of my mother. it would be her 64th birthday today. and she would be loving the winter sunshine outside.

i wrote the words below last year. i thought about writing something different this year but realized there is nothing more or less i want to say.

february 7th is such a day of mixed emotions. elation first comes to mind at the thought of your birth 63 years ago. i am so grateful He saw fit to share you with this world for a time.

not just because i wouldn't be here otherwise. mainly because your presence in this world made us all just a bit better. or, at the very least, made us think about how we could give the best of ourselves back to the Heavens.

i am still trying to hang onto that wisdom.

another emotion clouds up today as well. a heaviness or weight that, even four years later, slices through the heart. i can hear you say "i am fine" and "not to worry." but the ache still remains sharp, especially today and as we head into this week full of memories.

there are a great many things i could say. but a great many more i cannot even write. so i will simply say this.

i love you, mom. thank you for fighting for my life. thank you for all the things i never said "thank you" for. thank you for showing me the power of surrender to a loving God whose plan for us is perfect even in the midst of agony.

i celebrate with you today. and i humbly try to honor you every day.

conflict...

2010-01-29T12:20:00.000-08:00

the sun wasn't sure what to do this morning on market street. he tried to peek out from behind some clouds but the clouds would have none of his mischief!

i awoke this morning late -- it's a floating holiday of sorts for me -- and was extremely grateful to let my body awaken from its own slumber instead of from the nasty sound of a cell phone alarm.

i've been fighting a cold lately and i need to rest. as i watched the sun fight hard with the clouds and felt my nose struggle greatly with my breath, my thoughts turned to conflict.

i've been thinking a lot about conflict, actually. is that because i am conflicted, you ask? and my answer would be: aren't we all about something?

the word conflict or conflictus apparently originated between 1375 and 1425 and meant a "striking together" or "to contend." but we all know conflict has been in existence far before the actual word ever came to be...

conflict appears almost everywhere you look. conflicts in schedules, ideas, principles, impulses, between parties...even the weather. conflict can be the root of all discord, causing two rocks to crash and break against one another. intense, raw, and unforgiving.

despite being often perceived in a negative light, conflict itself holds sublime healing power as well. i would even argue that conflict can bind us in ways sometimes far poignant than agreement -- it can be the very mortar of our connection if we let it. two rocks breaking against one another eventually become smooth...

conflict in schedule can increase awareness of a need for simplification of our days. conflict in ideas encourages a deeper examination of thought. conflict of impulses pushes us to truly search out the birthplace of our emotions. conflict of principles challenges us to keep asking WHY. conflict between parties means we're pushing our way closer toward peace...and one day maybe our words will be exchanged before the fire of our guns.

true, it is easy to write these thoughts when i am miles away from the front lines of war. i certainly mean no disrespect to the terror and grisly nature of conflict. war -- in all its forms -- is a terrible thing. i only push myself to see what beauty can arise from the dust and grime of its cloud.

i pray for the perspective to acknowledge conflict purely. to stare it in the face, so to speak. to feel the effects of antagonism within my spirit or the strife within the world and do right by it. to offer it honestly to my God, even if it is He whom i am in conflict with.

today, in my "day off" slumber, i am blessed to be conflicted only about when to arise from my bed. (yes, all you mothers out there can groan now) however, conflict rarely passes by a life, even in a single day. so i pray i will have the courage to meet it with a smile and know the dust will eventually fall away to reveal another piece of His beautiful plan.

mind the gap...

2010-01-12T20:39:00.000-08:00

ever have those moments when you don't know what to do first? when you're caught between what you SHOULD do, what you WANT to do, and all the STUFF inbetween?

when your to-do list is as long as the hair on your legs that you just haven't gotten around to shave? or when your time is as short as your patience?

when you'd rather ignore it all, be a real big baby, and just pretend you're eight again...with the only CRUCIAL concern being whom you may be forced to sit next to in your new class at school?

i'm having one of those days.

why do we get like this? why is it so important to discover not only WHAT to do but in which ORDER to do it in? does it really matter?

in the interest of avoiding the above-mentioned tasks at hand, i am blogging about it. not the best use of time, i'm sure, but definitely escape-ism at its best!

ultimately, i've been pondering wants, shoulds, coulds, and all the stuff inbetween lately. and i find myself lying in the gap. the place where nothing makes sense, even if it really should. where time and responsibility are suspended in another realm -- easy to see but too far off to reach.

and i am wondering what to do. reach for it? recoil from it? or just simply mind the gap, as those lovely londoners tend to say as they wait for the "tube."

i choose the gap. at the moment, anyway. the gap pushes me forward -- forcing me think about the next steps, the next train -- but doesn't ask me to move at a pace i am more or less comfortable with. or take a train i needn't or shouldn't board. grace abounds on that train platform too.

minding the gap is just what i need. i can stand there -- in all my contemplation --knowing the train will come. eventually. and i will be able to climb aboard even with hairy legs...

a few firsts...

2010-01-05T21:19:00.000-08:00

as the new year begins, i always love to remember my "firsts" of this new chapter. some people make new year's resolutions; others make promises. i make lists of "firsts."

here are a few for you to enjoy...

First Drink: merlot (the last bit of the bottle)
First Thought: "It's a fresh page..."
First Song: Adele's "Hometown Glory"
First Activity: making two homemade chocolate cakes
First Outfit: faded blue jeans, blue tank top, red flower printed tank top, white sweater, black heels, dishevelled hair, silver jewelry
First Scent: opium incense
First Person I Spoke To: a dear friend
First Person I Saw: my own reflection in the living room window
First Hug: my uncle
First Piece of Mail: a holiday card from a co-worker and friend
First Book: "Introvert Power"
First Kiss: a cute dog (no, really...i mean it)
First Wish: for health in body, mind, and spirit
First Film: "Up in the Air"
First Prayer: "Our Father..."

what was one of your "firsts" in this new year...?

fresh pages...

2009-12-31T19:06:00.000-08:00

another calendar year is drawing to a close. 2009 is leaving us and a new year awaits at the dawn of tomorrow.

it's like another chapter has been written and the editing is over. kind of beautiful and daunting all at once.

before i get excited about a "new start" and a "clean slate" and all that jazz, i always like to pause and reconnect with what i felt and learned in the present year.

i won't bore you with the details but 2009 offered me incredible gifts, simple and profound joys, and immense challenges -- both new and old.

~i learned how to bake bread and paint a wall
~i learned i don't communicate as well as i should at times -- and also that sometimes i make more sense than i realize
~i was humbled to be present for the arrival of several new babies into this world
~i learned i don't love house-cleaning as much as i thought
~i learned prayer is sometimes the most you can ever do for someone
~i found i adore learning about other people's dreams...and i catch my breath in wonder when they share them with me
~i am too hard on myself with some things...and not hard enough with others
~i work hard. and enjoy it.
~i am less healthy than i would like, yet healthier than i thought
~i am not ashamed to admit i am still mad at the wicked witch of the west
~passion is my fuel, mercy is my cornerstone (wicked witch notwithstanding), and grace is my everything

i learned alot this year. i succeeded. i failed. i tried. and i chickened out.

a fresh page awaits tomorrow to start again...

beneath a star...

2009-12-25T19:01:00.000-08:00

christmas evening descends into darkness in the pacific northwest. my christmas tree -- linus -- is glowing a smile in my direction.

this christmas day has unfolded in ways completely unlike the traditions of my childhood...definitely still a beautiful one, however. beauty in a way i cannot quite grasp. simple beauty, perhaps.

the carols concert followed by midnight mass marked the arrival of this holy day. with a choir as though from heaven, my spirit fell into the rapturous arms of the nativity story.

this year, i was particularly moved by the anticipation and trepidation surely felt by the blessed mother mary and saint joseph as jesus' birth drew near. what were they thinking exactly? did they fear all of what was to come? or did they focus only on each other...each pang of birth? drawing breath from God alone to move them through the forthcoming tribulations?

sometimes i can see them in that manger. dirty. sweaty. simultaneously cold and warm. lost and afraid, yet calm for reasons unfathomable. aching for understanding, yearning for direction.

how different are we really from them even now?

searching for contentment only found in the loving arms of the Babe...

chocolate...everywhere!

2009-12-24T14:14:00.000-08:00

the fudge is now cooling. both the kitchen and my appearance have a slightly dishevelled look...but the fudge is going to be sinisterly good. i know -- i licked the bowl (and the rather large wooden spoon that wouldn't even fit in my mouth). i am such a kid!

so far this morning, i have been reminded of how much grace my mother had while baking on christmas eve morning. despite the volumes of spritz, fudge, and peanut butter balls, she never showed her fatigue, her dishevelment.

i seem to wear mine like a badge. i'm 31 years old and i still wish i could be like her...

time to rinse my chocolate covered mouth with water and move on to those cookies...

chronicles of christmas eve...

2009-12-24T12:12:00.000-08:00

after a fitful night's rest, i awoke this morning around 9 AM. blissfully tired and grateful that the alarm had nothing to do with my waking. i love being off work. (yet, i do still love work too.)

i laid in bed staring at the reflections of light across my bedroom walls, both body and thoughts scrambled among the sheets. (for those of you who seldom get the chance to lay in bed with nothing or no one calling out to you, i am sorry...this is simply a gift.)

the silence was broken by the sound of my phone ringing -- it was a dear friend calling -- and a most simply delightful way to unravel from the stillness and move into my day.

christmas eve is almost -- if not more fun -- for me than christmas day. i will spend most of today in my pajamas (red flannel with little white dots that i think are supposed to resemble snowballs) and my favorite red hooded sweatshirt.

i will make fudge. i will listen to christmas music. i will burn incense and light my balsam and cedarwood candle that reminds me of Bethlehem for some odd reason. if i'm feeling adventurous, i will get dressed and wander down the road for a peppermint mocha and feel the crispness of winter air on my cheeks.

this evening, i will clean up, dress up, try to look beautiful, and go to the carol concert at church before the start of midnight mass -- that yes, does indeed start at midnight! the best way ever to welcome the birth of jesus...

i am smiling already.

chronicles of the night before...act II

2009-12-23T21:46:00.000-08:00

rushing out this evening for somewhere important, i was about to drive down the hill in madge when a young guy weathered by life left the sidewalk and crossed in front of me.

headlights beaming on him, he gestured that he wanted my attention. being a good girl, i rolled down my window only so far...

he approached tentatively.

"what's up?" i asked.

"do you smoke weed?" he asked.

"nope. sorry." came my reply.

"REALLY? you don't smoke weed??" he gasped.

"nope, i REALLY don't" matching his tone, as i've learned to do for punctuation in a conversation.

"hmm...that sucks. i was gonna give you some weed if you were willing to be late to wherever you're going and drive me to the top of this damn hill."

"sorry. i'm not interested. but thanks...have a good one, though." i replied.

he shrugged and begrudgingly moved back to the sidewalk to continue his trek up the hill.

i smiled. and thanked God for this man who crossed my life today, offered me weed, and then moved on. such beauty found when you stare at an image of God, no matter what it looks/seems like.

chronicles of the night before...

2009-12-23T16:33:00.000-08:00

it is the night before christmas eve. and all through market street smoke abounds. i nearly burned down my apartment this afternoon making 72 cookies in one hour. yep, one hour. thank you, mr. otis spunkmeyer or whatever-the-hell your name is...

the cookies are laying on the kitchen cooling with care. a load of laundry churns in water downstairs in the basement. piles of garbage and recycling overflow into the hall, eager to be put in their rightful place for tomorrow's pickup.

melissa etheridge is belting out "o night divine" in the living room and there is a distinct smell of opium incense rising to the ceiling in a humble attempt to compensate for the smoke trying to choke me into an early death.

the night is young, folks. there is much to prepare for the eve of the christmas season. the chronicles will continue...

DRAT!

2009-12-22T21:03:00.000-08:00

i have been trying to post a new blog for over 15 minutes but the damn Blogger site is not having any of it!

thanks for hearing my rant...

meet adele...

2009-12-22T20:25:00.000-08:00

this is adele. she is my new computer. she is my new friend. and will soon be yours too, if you ever care to hear from me.

santa claus' helper brought her to my doorstep a few weeks ago and we are learning more about each other.

a few things you need to know about adele:

~she is rather dark with a graphic flair to her attire
~there is poignancy in her vision and a thirst for knowledge in her heart
~she LOVES music. simply that.
~she is a bit fiesty, i must admit. she is eager to multi-task
~she doesn't mind if i scribble all over her microsoft word pages...or if i stare endlessly at a blank page
~the origin of her name-- A-DELE --is not based on her heredity
~she is bright in spirit yet holds a few secrets of her own
~she adores her new home (i think) and has her own spot on the red couch

only a few weeks in, adele has already brought an abundance of joy and contemplation to my world. and thanks to mr. norton, i look forward to more...

a few pieces of my heart...

2009-12-17T18:29:00.000-08:00

in this joyous season of holiday cheer, i've been thinking a lot about sorrow.

it's interesting how interwoven joy and sorrow truly are. when i look closely at anything most joyous in life, i see sorrow somewhere nearby.

sometimes joy is borne out of sorrow. other times, sorrow lies just underneath, whether acknowledged or not. and out of great joy, sorrow can also spring forth.

in walking through my neighborhood and commuting by train to work, i see joy and sorrow sewn together on the fabric and faces of us all. as we each "'tis the season" in some form or another, joy and sorrow tend to get separated. as though one should outweigh the other in this festive time.

for some, joy takes the lead. the gatherings of loved ones, festive events, warm & fuzzy songs, decorations, and oh so sweet calories. diluting the pain with a peppermint mocha or hot toddy is a popular tradition.

for others, sorrow is the clear frontrunner in this time. reflection upon love lost...or love not found. simply put, no bing crosby lyric can remove the rust upon the heart of a lonely soul.

i love this time of year. but i cannot celebrate its beauty and joy -- really honor it -- without leaving room for the sorrow.

there is much that breaks my heart. so this Christmas, i wish that my heart may be open to all of it...what makes me smile wide and what makes the tears fall...

to bake or not to bake...

2009-12-12T09:52:00.000-08:00

each year about this time, the question of baking haunts my mind. do i bake this year for the holidays? exactly what -- or how much -- do i bake? or do i forego the baking altogether?

the holidays don't seem exactly the same without baking. yet, i find myself wondering if i should indulge in the art of "licking the bowl" of fudge or covering myself with flour one too many times?

recipes are strewn about my kitchen table this morning. ingredients are not in the pantry cupboards so a trip to costco and the store is in order.

oh, and holiday gifts have not yet been bought -- a fact that will most certainly distract me today in my jaunts about town.

why exactly do we kill ourselves for what is supposed to be a truly relaxing season?

what's in a name?

2009-12-07T20:28:00.000-08:00

is a name really as defining as it seems to be? would a rose really smell less sweet if it were named after something far less alluring? is it true inanimate objects actually become more dear to us when they are given a name?

in my humble opinion, i would offer a wholehearted YES! especially for the last one. i cannot imagine my life without naming the things around me.

plants. cars. computers. even the market street ghost. (another story, another time, friends)

but this time, i'm gonna throw it out to all you readers.

what should my new computer's name be?

i'm not sure of the gender yet so any name will be considered. well, not ANY name but feel free to make a suggestion!

looking forward to hearing your creativity...

an open letter to santa claus...or someone

2009-12-06T20:46:00.000-08:00

another weekend chapter is drawing to a close here on market street. this sunday evening is falling into the arms of a bitterly cold night sky with stars twinkling their welcome.

i am laying in my usual place on the living room floor -- close to the radiator and huddled up in my favorite red hooded sweatshirt. i am blissfully tired.

the bed linens are calling out to me but i must write a few words here before i allow their invitation of warmth to consume my weary body.

you see, something quite remarkable happened today.

how should i say it? i received an early visit from santa claus, let's say.

i was given an instrument today. a little tool that will truly change my world.

many of you know my dear computer, helene, passed away some time ago. since then, the words inside me have tried to escape here and there. sometimes in rapid succession when dear friends allowed me to seize their computer and hold it captive for hours on end.

other times, the words just piled up. deep within, they laid down and built a santuary, a place of refuge from the blistering reality of verbalization upon a page.

now, i really don't consider myself a writer. but i do consider myself someone who HAS to write in order to breathe.

and since helene's passing, breath has come in and out a bit more sporadically.

there is much to say to the giver of this little instrument. but words fall away from capturing the depths of my gratitude. how often that happens...!

this gift may seem small to some. but to me, it is truly oxygen.

so, as i stumble along in expressing my gratitude, bear with me.

thank you...

...thank you for this gift that allows my spirit to awaken

...to spill life, death, and all the inbetweens onto a page

...to exhume the dirt of humanity and to inhale its raw beauty

...through stringing a few words together here and there and praying they may be an offering...

thank you for seeing me. thank you for knowing i needed to breathe...

love,

tonyalynne

grateful for gratitude itself...

2009-11-26T11:32:00.000-08:00

as my favorite holiday -- thanksgiving -- arrives, i've been reflecting on exactly why it's my favorite.

last year around this time, i wrote the following...and, while i could write many a new thought, i believe this captures most of what is in my heart, even a full year later. how much i have to be grateful for...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i've been reflecting on how gratitude should be in season all year round, not just highlighted in november. authentic gratitude is the foundation of hope, the framework for love, and the mortar for peace. without gratitude, mercy is seldom expressed, either. and, in our brokenness, we all need mercy.

i am grateful for many things, a few of which i will share...

gratitude for market street

~for the church bells that peel in hymnal song at noon everyday
~for the mountain view from my living room & back porch
~for the peaceful quietness while still being a pulse away from downtown
~for its old-world charm and character, even with creaky doors and leaky faucets

gratitude for health in a year of physical strife

gratitude for music & words

~for the discovery of emerging musical artists that move my spirit
~for writers that challenge my style, push my pen, and create an urgency of thought within me
~for finding storytelling everywhere i go

gratitude for employment in a tumultuous time

gratitude for friends & family
~for those who are reading this right now
~for those who are not, but are in my life or in my heart
~for those i have sadly forgotten and who have forgotten me
~for those who i have yet to be challenged by and learn from
~and for those i have yet to embrace

gratitude for gratitude itself. and for the hope, love, and peace it brings.

happy thanksgiving, everyone!

back from the writing dead...

2009-11-22T10:24:00.000-08:00

...it's been a whirlwind lately. no time to write on this little ol' blog of mine.

hello to all of you out there...if you're still out there!

in the midst of great joys and challenges of late, autumn has continued to take my breath away with its colors of earth. i only wish it could last for a bit longer. thanksgiving -- my favorite holiday -- is upon us this week and it seemed fitting to share this prayer with you.

"Oh God, when I have food, help me to remember the hungry; when I have work, help me to remember the jobless; when I have a warm home, help me to remember the homeless; when I am without pain, help me to remember those who suffer; and remembering, help me to destroy my complacency and bestir my compassion. Make me concerned enough to help, by word and deed, those who cry out for what we take for granted."

many blessings this holiday season to you and yours...

storms a'brewin'...

2009-10-17T10:57:00.000-07:00

market street is weeping this morning. rain from the heavens is cascading religiously down the window panes and purifying the city from a week of chaos and calamity.

how i adore storms! probably the sexiest weather pattern in existence, i think. the roll of the thunder thrusting a shudder down your spine. the glimpse of a lightening bolt catches your breath and you wonder -- since its flash burns out as quickly as it came -- if you actually saw it. oh, and the downpour of sweet rain! deliciously inviting you to either stay indoors in warmth or hurriedly pull on your rain boots.

maybe it's the romantic in me but i cannot imagine life without storms. the literal kind in particular give one reflection for the figurative kind, for they do share common purpose:

~washing away the impurities and reminding us we are perfectly small in comparison to the great mysteries of our world and He who created it.

~offering a multitude of raindrops to augment our tears and chase away the cobwebs of our soul.

~forcing upon us a thunderous clap of wind to knock away our masks and hold up a mirror to both our ugliness and our beauty.

~striking our spirits with a small, but mighty power -- the bolt of clarity we often stumble upon in a rather choppy sea of discontent and blurred vision.

~and then comes the silence -- the moment the storm begins to fade, rolling on. rinsing us clean and laughing purple...

breaking down...

2009-10-12T19:59:00.000-07:00

after a crisp, clear autumn day, i arrived home from work to find an extremely cold apartment. seriously...like shivering-in-your-bones cold.

now, market street has always been rather drafty. truth be told, it's part of its old world charm. a light breeze sneaking silently through the window panes. the molding around the door frame rendered completely incapable of shushing the whisper of wind off the porch. the wear-multiple-layers-of-clothing-to-bed-every-night chill. or lighting tall vigil candles in your bedroom to keep a flame of warmth nearby. the kind of cold that sparks good memories every year...

but tonight i broke down and turned on the ol' heater. it resides near the porch door in the living room and, after ticking its way on for a few minutes, began to blast hot air into the room. incidentally, the living room is usually the only warm area in the apartment every winter -- there is little distribution of heat to the other corners of this place in the cool months. so one must occupy the living room quarters constantly to avoid frostbite. another quirk i have come to love on market street.

as i write, i am laying on the floor in front of this archaic ol' heater. like my father taught me, my 'feet to the fire,' so to speak.

i also broke down and am eating junior mints. an old pasttime from my grandmother's house. she used to have this tall cupboard with boxes of junior mints stored high above the reach of her grandchildren's fingers. those little boxes weren't immune to our use of a broom, however. ;)

heat. junior mints. an early retirement to a cozy bed. not a bad monday evening in october, my favorite month of the year.

taking a day...

2009-10-05T18:47:00.000-07:00

there is nothing quite like taking a monday off of work.

especially when you're not terribly ill, suntanning on a faraway sandy beach, or dressed in black garb at a funeral for someone you barely got to know before having to say goodbye.

part of you feels guilty for not schlepping alongside the thousand (or so) other commuters on the train in a hurry to wherever.

but the larger part of you is grateful to hang up "the usual" in exchange for the "mundane bliss" of a monday with no responsibilities. to forget about the office dirt, your harried bustling from meeting to meeting, and the countless emails clogging your inbox.

today was such a day for me on market street. it was good.

i slept in. i took my time around the apartment this morning. i read. i wrote. i cooked a lasagna, complete with fresh basil. i folded laundry. i cleaned my room. i laughed and chatted with a friend while watching her darling six week old baby coo at us. i listened to billie holiday. i took a walk in the neighborhood. i will retire early with a book or a movie...not sure which.

can i honestly say i am relaxed, rested, and ready for tuesday? no...not at all. but tuesday is coming, regardless.

so i'll enjoy these last hours of bliss. and then begin "the usual" again tomorrow with a prayer to find the extraordinary in the ordinary of the day.

beneath the cover...

2009-09-27T13:10:00.001-07:00

...of a book lies many a truth. some truths meant to be found. others, desperate to hide.

i've been thinking a lot about how much we judge simply "by the book's cover." people. experiences. animals. even ourselves at times.

on my train ride home the other day, i sat next to a woman who immediately covered up the book in her lap as i nestled into my seat. she seemed clearly embarrassed for me -- or anyone -- to catch the title of her book.

this didn't work. i looked anyway. ;)

entitled, "one week as lovers," the opened page of the novel on her lap indicated two things: a character named mrs. pell and something about a disagreement about a particular sleeping arrangement.

despite being 1/3 of the way through the book, the woman read only that page before shifting to the end, reading the last few pages of the story. i must admit -- i was absolutely stunned! what possessed her to skip the rest? why did she hurry toward the resolution so quickly? how much had she now missed that even those last three pages of the book couldn't give her?

sadly, here's where my judgement began. i started to wonder if this woman read books the same way she lives. putting minor effort into things and rushing toward a great outcome. or trying to embrace only the roses of life without acknowledging that it takes thorns to make a rose in the first place.

i also wondered about the woman's relationships -- did she see herself in this book in some way? was she mrs. pell? or perhaps the buxom beauty on the cover rather enraptured in the sinewy arms of a man far too handsome to be real. or maybe she's always wanted to live this way and never has...?

(yes, i noticed the cover as she put it away in her bag)

then i realized what i was doing. judging a woman (and a book) by the cover. and i was ashamed. deeply ashamed.

i walked home thinking about this experience. and recognizing i do such things with far more regularity than i would like. and i need to stop. i've since spent a good deal of time thinking on how i could best cease this habit.

here's what i've decided:

every time i catch myself doing this, i plan to offer up a little prayer for the truths within that "book." that each truth meant to be discovered will be by who is meant to learn from it. that the hidden truths will find healing -- whether spoken or forever in silence.

so there you have it. a brush with reality i needed. a resolve to catch myself when i fall into "reading a book by the cover." and through it -- hopefully -- truths unearthed in sincerity or laid to rest in peace.

yearnings...

2009-09-19T19:32:00.000-07:00

raindrops fell upon market street today, bringing with them a sharp coolness. though sunshine plans to visit this week, the advent of autumn is near.

i love this time of the year more than any other. my heart fumbles for the right words or description of why. so many reasons, but none i feel equipped to share just now. maybe another time. admittedly both joyous and melancholic, i ache in body and am weary in spirit today.

the rain spoke quietly to me this morning. and i've been entrenched in thought ever since. what about, you ask? i still have no words, even upon reflection. words don't go far enough today, i guess.

i am yearning. yearning for what i am missing...or what i imagine i am missing. also yearning to no longer miss anything, for i have been given much.

why do we do that to ourselves? forget our blessings so easily and cling to our failings so tightly? vehemently pursue what we feel entitled to and often discard all that is sacred in our lives along the way?

a single candle burns in this darkened room on market street. the smell of this new season emanating from the flame. my eyes fixed upon its glow, my mind rambling on...

sunrise pondering...

2009-09-12T05:24:00.001-07:00

"Only when we can be guaranteed anonymity, can we take our masks off and bare our souls. When we are no one, we become who we are."

~introvert power

i don't know much...

2009-09-10T20:33:00.001-07:00

...but i know a fruit fly just died tragically in the portland metro area...

that's all, folks.

stillness...

2009-09-07T10:34:00.000-07:00

water trickles in a pond outside the window. a delicate cascade of purity emptying itself into the earth. it asks no permission. it takes no pause. intent on flourishing the ground with its tickling whisper.

birds singing in the bamboo. resting their wings from haphazard flight. sharing a common language i can only pretend to decipher. but i do not try. this would be an insult to the beauty of their tongue. some things are meant to be mysterious.

clouds push and shove each other for space in the sky. draping a coolness over market street. giving the sun a chance to sleep in a bit longer.

i lay in silence. hesitant to move. desiring not even my breath to crack the looking glass of this perfect morning.

stillness...

rediscovering a lost art...

2009-09-06T13:25:00.000-07:00

this morning i picked up a book of old letters shared between my roommate's grandparents many years ago. letters that reflect their lives in different areas of the country, their courtship across the miles, their dreams of marriage and togetherness in all future joys and trials which may befall them.

this book isn't formally published but a simply bound volume of letters their relatives may now read to bring past memories of family into the present. such a special thing...and only possible through the power of letter-writing. and letter-saving, lest we forget.

letter writing is just plain cool. simply that. it's a means of exchange, of reflection. letters also challenge us to think in new ways or offer appreciation for another in words we bashful ones can only pen rather than speak.

yet, with the price of postage and the domination of instant messages and emails, letter-writing has become a lost art. it has been reduced to something we only read about now in a jane austen novel. stamps, envelopes, a good pen, and fresh sheets of paper don't even exist inside most desk drawers anymore. we have settled for instant, giving us no hope for memories in the future, particularly if we place all our trust in the fleeting power of a hard drive.

now, i admit it. letters take time. time to write. time to mail. time to read. and they even take up space if you're a saver like me. but what is such time worth to you? is it worth these memories? is it worth the hand cramp to write someone you love? is it worth the smile that crosses your face the minute you open the mailbox to find a little jewel of a letter amidst all the bills and made-to-recycle-advertisements?

think hard about this. when was the last time you received or sent a letter? what exactly would you receive from resurrecting this lost art in your own life?

now, before you say anything -- you don't have to be an english major to write a letter. the coolest part of letter-writing is that there are no rules. you don't need to be able to use grammar correctly. nor spell perfectly. nor do you even have to write about interesting things.

just write what you wish to share. write what you feel. just grab a pen and start scribbling. regardless of what falls onto the page, it will undoubtedly bless the recipient.

it is pouring rain in portland this afternoon. a lazy sunday afternoon indoors. the perfect time to sit down and write...

making up new verbs...

2009-09-05T18:08:00.000-07:00

too many ideas rolling around in my head. completely unsure which one to pick. wondering if they're all utterly dull and mildly pathetic.

i'm officially blog-stuck.

is that an actual verb? or am i just making it up to sound cool and stuff?

regardless, i am holding a myriad of random thoughts in my head but rather mystified as to which blog thought needs to actually escape and fumble onto this blank slate of a page.

if i think too hard, everything might just turn into a blank slate, though. instead of writing about one thing, i think i will share with you the many ideas whirling around on the spin cycle of my mind.

~how completely exhausted one feels after taking a nap. why is that? wasn't the nap supposed to rid the body of fatigue during the said nap? it's like you need another nap to get over the first one. a vicious cycle i am currently losing...

~how when you dip sunflower stems in red food coloring, the blooms turn a beautiful orange color that stains your hands but is so worth it! my lovely roommate bought five of these flowers at trader joe's and i've been entranced by their beauty ever since. they are staring down at me as i write on the floor. i wonder -- if they had eyes -- what they would see?

~how i kind of wish i could be the red-headed fairy that is currently perched slightly seductively/partially sweetly on my gray t-shirt. she is stunning in a fairy-sorta-way. reminds me of neverland. ah, another place i wish i could be.

~how no matter the month, there are always too many bills to pay. how does one ever save for an emergency if one continues to experience emergencies? a quick reminder that i still have water and a roof above me slaps perspective back into the picture, though, for which i am extremely grateful.

~how marvelous it is to have friends who actually enjoy being your friend, even in the not-so-fun-and-kinda-ugly times. they seek out ways to support, even if you don't have something for them to support. they remind you why they stick around -- and then they remind you again. and again. (it takes awhile for some realities to stick for some of us.) they even wash, dry, and fold six and a half loads of laundry. no obligation -- just cause. wow.

~how much i love the rain. sure, it's labor day weekend and everyone longs for the feeling of the sunshine on their face in these finale days of summer. yet, the constant trickle of water down the windows is welcome on market street anytime. i am such an autumn girl!

~how prayer -- no matter how simple -- doesn't actually change a situation but tends to ALWAYS change how one SEES a situation.

~how even in great weakness, strength resides. strength to press onward. to push beyond the limits of one's comfort only to find a deeper strength beneath.

this has been my weekend thus far...

and it's only saturday.

clinging to the Hem...

2009-09-02T16:47:00.000-07:00

beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that is taking place among you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. but rejoice insofar as you are sharing Christ's sufferings, so that you may also be glad and shout for joy when his glory is revealed. ~ I Peter 4:12-13.

yoga...for the rest of us...

2009-09-02T13:53:00.000-07:00

in recent months, i returned to yoga.

not the yoga i was doing pre-back injury, mind you. my osteopathic physician simply won't allow it. and nor will my body, unfortunately.

it's more like geriatric yoga. or, as the dvd states, "yoga for the rest of us."

the dvd sessions were designed for less-than-limber individuals who may be struggling to feel successful in an average yoga class. people whose goals aren't to master the human pretzel but rather to gain strength where their body needs it most.

what have i struggled with most since my return to yoga? not the positions -- although some of them can be a real bitch.

rather, the voice of the teacher! it's TOO calm. and a wee bit too breathy. eck!

my pride has also been crushed as i've watched her 60-year-old limbs deliver flexibility i've rarely had, even in my twenties.

regardless, i have committed to join miss peggy at least three days a week for 1.5 to 2 hours of 'yoga for the rest of us.'

i'm not sure how much strength i've gained -- today, as i lay on my floor, it doesn't seem like much. and i'm not sure i actually fit into "the rest of us" category. but until i find a "yoga for the perpetual invalid" class i better keep showing up.

the world up-side-down...

2009-09-02T12:52:00.000-07:00

ever feel like you're viewing the world this way?

when i was a kid, i used to crawl all over the house with my head tucked under me so i could see the entire place up-side-down. the view was spectacular!

i would pretend to crawl around the lamps that lay sticking up from the floor. or pretend to jump over the hurdle of a beam that would separate one room from the next. all in an attempt to see things differently from what they actually were.

it's amazing how little we really change.

this morning i caught a glimpse of the world up-side-down again. more hurdles, more dizzying views. even so, the sky above me -- or in this case, below me -- is bright blue and the sun is beaming through the bamboo trees outside my window.

whether the world seems tilted or not, it is a beautiful place to be.

inside my mind...

2009-08-18T20:14:00.000-07:00

...thoughts whirl, swirl, and grow dizzy with motion. do you ever feel like there is so much to take in yet it's all extremely difficult to express?

the words become a cacaphony within you, getting caught in the undertow of your mind. well...my mind, anyway.

sure, i could tell you about my day. or maybe even my week -- a week that is rapidly becoming one of the LONGEST in history. but how would that knowledge actually serve you? what would you be able to do with it?

so i stare at this screen and i don't know exactly what to say. in reality, there is too much to say -- almost to the point of ache.

i could tell you how frustrating it is that blood sugar test strips have gone up in price. far above what canadians pay. i could tell you i am almost out of shampoo. i could share with you that i ate dinner and now wish i hadn't. i could try to describe to you the subtle voices i hear in the wind.

but i'm so tired that i'm afraid all those inner thoughts won't be able to unravel themselves enough to be strung together into even a semi-proper sentence.

so i will leave the thoughts there--where maybe they belong, anyway. in the deep fibers of my mind. lost and not seeking to be found.

slipping under...

2009-08-09T17:48:00.000-07:00

i heart sundays.

today has been filled to the brim with simple things. and plenty of much-needed rest for my weary spirit. the silence has been an elixir i've been craving.

vigil mass last evening gave me opportunity to sleep in this morning. yet, for some reason, my body had other plans. so i got busy at 7:30 AM by making homemade bread for the week. bread-making requires an early start, anyway.

i quietly offered sunday worship, offering each knead of the dough for someone i love. i hope they can feel these prayers in some, small way. i always tend to think of my great-grandmother audrey when i bake bread. not sure why -- probably because it was the sort of thing she always did. i wish she was still here. one of the wisest women i've ever known.

sorting five piles of laundry came next -- darks, lights, whites, towels, and rugs. yep, i even washed the bathroom rugs. (never mind how many quarters i used.) hauling the overflowing laundry basket up and down three flights of stairs throughout the day has been good for me too.

i snagged a couple hours to slap some more paint on the doors around here. there is still much to do but i'm rather enjoying the slow process. caring less about finishing this project has given an added richness to the experience.

cleaning the bathroom, especially the tub, took some extra elbow grease. as did the kitchen floor and inside of the refrigerator. i organized a couple cupboards and found two bags for goodwill. i also paid all this week's bills (argh!) and recycled everything awaiting those lovely green bins downstairs in the basement.

i'm very grateful to have been able to strip my bedsheets -- believe or not, this is a very difficult task for me with my back injury. fresh, clean linens with a whisper of lavender water now await my evening slumber.

i pressed some berries and made some homemade juice. did a little internet research for a break. and then it was on to finishing two loads of dishes, dusting, and vacuuming the entire apartment. can i just say -- i hate dusting in particular. it seems to be a pointless, endless cycle! yet, i think my little lungs like it when dust isn't around...even if only for a day or two.

after retrieving the last load of laundry from the basement and dumping the last garbage bag of -- well, garbage -- it was time to draw a lavender-infused bath for my aching back. minutes later, with gorgeous chant music in my ears, i promptly fell asleep in the bathtub.

it wasn't until i slipped under the water briefly that i woke up. oops!

a little shocked. a little surprised. but alright now. and very relaxed for an evening of reading and sleeping.

what a day -- five loads of laundry. cleaning. painting. organizing. baking. writing. praying. and nearly drowning... ;)

today's pondering...

2009-08-09T10:40:00.000-07:00

A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving
~ Lao Tzu

trying...

2009-08-08T09:23:00.000-07:00

i awoke this morning with a burst of light streaming through my bedroom windows and casting a glow on the white room. struck by the beauty, i laid in bed for an extra 20 minutes -- just watching it -- until i finally picked up a journal. it's funny what captivates me sometimes.

i am grateful for this day to rest my spirit. after a long, exhausting week at work, i have a moment to just stop. as previous posts this week have indicated, my soul needs a good, long drink.

years ago, i would have just plowed through it. not anymore. i am trying to learn what my spirit needs. i am trying to respect myself more...although not always an easy task. :)

but i'm trying. it's a start...

sometimes...

2009-08-05T21:58:00.001-07:00

...there are no words.

sometimes you use them all up. sometimes you search and scrounge to find the right one to express something. but even then, sometimes it's merely a feeble attempt. sometimes the well just runs dry...

yesterday my cup runneth over. today it's barren.

thanks be to God it's only 'sometimes'...

my cup runneth...

2009-08-04T21:22:00.001-07:00

sometimes it's just too much.

do you ever have those moments in life where the simplest thing breaks the dam?

you're movin' along just fine. and then something so small shifts the ground underneath you. and you wonder if you can find your balance again.

you needn't fear--i don't write this from the depths of despair. just from in a place of sorrow. and, as much as it hurts, the sorrow needed a way out.

cracks are how the light gets in. but sometimes the cracks must deepen to bring in more light.

he's dead...

2009-08-03T21:20:00.000-07:00

...dr. greene has died.

my ER series marathon continues but tonight's episode is leaving a big hole in my heart. dr. greene has passed away from cancer.

i know, i know. it's just a show, you say. but i don't care. it hurts anyway.

dr. greene was the doctor everyone looked to -- for skill, direction, perspective. he was a visible reminder of why the other ER staff came to work everyday. he was also a favored physician by his many patients.

sure, it truly was just a show and no one REALLY died. but i think of the people in my life that represent all that dr. greene represented on ER and i grieve.

some of them are no longer here. others are still around but i haven't taken the time to remind them how much they give me. they are my "dr. greene in the ER."

i need to tell them.

who do you need to tell?

growth...

2009-08-02T16:46:00.000-07:00

...is painting all afternoon and only drinking WATER! no root beer...

i'm growing, people.

sunday slumber...

2009-08-02T10:58:00.000-07:00

an apt term for today, my friends.

today is perfect. blue sky. warm weather. freshly hand washed clothes on the patio line blowing dry in the morning breeze. the neighborhood church bells calling all to worship. no plan for the day. ah, bliss!

worship for me today will be listening to music and trying to wrap my mind around how He continues to surprise me with such wonder in the midst of such drama. a perpetual conversation we always have... :)

i attended vigil mass last evening in NE -- it was beautiful. i didn't know anyone at the church but i received a lot of stares because i happened to be wearing my blue "reading is sexy" vintage t-shirt. not sure this particular church community appreciated that. oh well. maybe if it had said "reading the bible is sexy" i would have fit in a bit more. but who wants to fit such a mold anyway? the only shape i wish to fit into would be the palm of His hand...

i am thinking of my brother intensely today. it is his 36th birthday. he elected to postpone our weekend plans to attend an all-church picnic in his community. hence, the sunday slumber.

so i will celebrate you today with my devotion of thought, prayer, and offer the beauty of this sabbath up for the desires of your heart. i know you've had quite a year...may this new year of your life be one of healing, growth, and grace.

love you to pieces,

sis

learnings...

2009-08-01T07:10:00.000-07:00

are they actually called learnings? things you learn? maybe they're only called lessons. but lessons just doesn't seem like the right word. lessons seems to evoke that you've finished learning something -- that you're past learning it. learnings seems to represent something you're learning constantly -- an ever-evolving process meant to soften the ridges of your heart and mind. a sometimes painful yet simultaneously beautiful experience.

learnings have overwhelmed me this week:

~i cannot get it all done. there will always be more to do. students to coach, chores to complete, another chapter to finish, another person to lend an ear to, another question to ask.

~today's accomplishments are enough. truly. i don't need tomorrow's. and i don't need to fret about getting to tomorrow just so i can try to cram it all in.

~a woman's body is such an instrument of grace. its ability to hold sanctuary over a growing child in the womb numbs me to silence.

~lack of communication doesn't mean lack of thought.

~excessive heat makes some people turn into different people...who do very different things.

~death is all around us. it can stop you cold. or, in an odd sort of way, it can be something that sets you free.

~driving fast can actually take stress away. if no speeding ticket is included in the adventure, anyway.

~happy hours are intriguing -- you converse with interesting people you'd otherwise never meet.

~sharing a secret doesn't have to be scary. but sometimes it's okay to be scared. just don't let that keep you from sharing...

~sometimes i use too many words. sometimes i don't use the right ones. and sometimes there are none.

what learning drifted into your week?

help wanted...

2009-07-28T21:05:00.000-07:00

my roommate and i are dying a slow death at this very moment. the 112 degree heat on the back porch of market street is actually COOLER than inside the apartment, where we are currently residing, much to our chagrin.

now, given that portland only receives approximately 5.4 days of this kind of weather in a year, i've never felt the need to purchase a window AC unit. "why spend the money?" has been my token line.

when these random days arrive, i'm always trying to focus on "how cool they are" (figuratively speaking) or "how many memories i'll create by using the poor man's AC unit (a big wet towel around the neck). however, several days into this heat wave has caused me to seriously rethink some things.

while hot weather is grand, this weather is not hot. it is the very breath of the devil. and i am tired of that bastard breathing all over me.

so -- i am calling out to my friends, neighbors, countrymen, any random soul who happens upon this rambling page to offer some insight.

what tricks of the trade do you have to endure the breath of hell? (besides investing in air conditioning or running away to a cool place).

i'm actually looking for some practical advice here.

i'm listening...

wealthy people...

2009-07-27T19:35:00.000-07:00

i haven't felt very well the last few days. i've been more lethargic, the heat is getting to me more than usual, and i would rather be in bed sleeping than anywhere else.

my patience is shorter too. at least it seems that way. i just don't feel like i have as much to give.

we all have our challenges in life. as some of you know, mine is often my health. when i am especially weary, i tend to watch people even more than i usually do. i am often too tired to contribute so observance takes its place:

people on the train to and from work. strangers i pass by on my walk home from the train. my friends, colleagues, family. yes, even the store clerk ringing up my vegetables and half gallon of milk yesterday. i watch them all.

and i have found -- time and again -- the wealthiest people of the world are not those with fancy cars, IRAs, or faraway beach houses. the truly wealthy soul is the one who possesses their full health.

the soul who moves in and out of their day without so much as even a breath of regard for what their body does (or does not) do. the person whose every action remains unfettered by a problem, pain, disease, or dsyfunction.

the funny part? many of these folks don't even know how rich they are! they scramble daily for the next promotion, the best cell phone, decadent vacation package, advanced degree, or social status symbol. they continually seek -- not that seeking is a bad thing, mind you -- but in their quest, they sometimes forget how much they already have.

i have fallen victim to this hard reality too. in my "healthier" days, i was a poster girl for "do more, have more." humility of the body has pushed me to change my perspective. to recognize the wealth i already possess with what health remains within me. and to hopefully learn not to take it for granted.

it's a daily struggle. on the good days, my wealth recedes to the background, hanging out in the shadows of what i deem "important" for that day. but on the difficult days -- like the last few -- i am forced to remember that my health should always comes first. i should honor it. i should respect it.

most of all, regardless of what kind of day it is, i should offer it up as a gift.

so today, i am offering my bodily weakness up for those whose health is more bleak than my own. may they be comforted in a most perfect way...

dark chocolate melting in desert sand...

2009-07-25T21:54:00.000-07:00

...are what my hallway doors and door frames now look like. another painting afternoon is complete. i am far from done but a long, cool, lavender-infused bath is calling my name. yes, a cool bath -- it feels like 90 degrees in this place!

in the midst of painting today, i learned a few things.

~i am highly ambitious. even about paint. i planned to accomplish every door and frame in the hallway today. yet, i'm not always realistic. i completed two and the linen closet. i still have three more to go. (you are right -- my hallway has too many doors!)

~paint splatters. enough said.

~i am strong. i broke a roller handle just by applying what i would deem a moderate amount of force. i was trying to save paint by firmly pressing the roller against the wood.

~regardless of my frugality, i used two pints of paint today. luckily, i plan ahead and still have a gallon of each color left.

~natural brew root beer tastes better than virgil's natural root beer. after drinking six root beers this afternoon, the verdict is in. now, i'm in detox and drinking a gallon of water. (if only this gallon could count for work's "water drinking contest.")

~painting takes away your appetite. or maybe the root beer does. i forgot to eat dinner and have no interest in doing so at 10 PM.

~i'm forgetful. i didn't take a ton of "before" and "after" pics. i have a few on my cell phone to share. however, since i'm borrowing my roommate's computer (ever since my other computer, helene, passed away) i cannot upload them. (sorry, lynn.) you'll all just have to imagine what dark chocolate melting in the desert sand looks like...

~my body is exhausted. my back is screaming at me, in particular. bath, bed, and a book -- a new one -- are calling me.

~while certainly not a professional painter, today's work was fun, cathartic, and actually looks kind of cool. and, with all that thinking time, two more storylines came to me. go figure...

~market street has always been a haven. despite being a rental, with such a simple thing as paint, this ol' place is starting to feel a bit more like mine. that's pretty cool too.

the stoning of soraya m...

2009-07-24T22:53:00.000-07:00

if you are blessed enough to have this film playing in your area...run to it.

sucker punched...

2009-07-23T20:52:00.000-07:00

do you ever have those moments where no matter what you do it's wrong? or at least perceived to be wrong or insignificant?

for awhile now, i've been working hard at something. sorry to be vague but it's necessary. i've been pushing myself excruciatingly in dedication to a particular situation and to those involved within it. it has been difficult, complex, and intense.

out of genuine regard for others, i've been fighting hard through it. day by day, hour by hour. i'm weary but am still showing up.

recently, i sacrificed some important things in an attempt to better the situation, particularly for those in the very core of the fire. praying the sacrifice wouldn't be for naught. that maybe it would change something, somehow. that maybe it would be acknowledged--even in the smallest of ways.

however, once my sacrifice was made for another, gratitude didn't travel my way at all. instead, i was sucker punched by the very person i chose to sacrifice for.

they took my gift and threw it back at me. they twisted my sacrifice into something it never was. making it seem like i bore the situation alone.

i'm still not sure why. to feel better themselves? to hide?

regardless, it was a direct hit -- to the core of my spirit and i'm still gasping for breath.

my comfort lies in knowing this path--however disheartening it may be--has been trod before. the via dolorosa...

i am realizing true sacrifice asks for nothing in return. no acknowledgement. no gratitude. it just gives. something i'm still learning.

their spit is on my skin. sweat is in my eyes. i cannot breathe. but i will keep stumbling along...

reminders...

2009-07-21T21:16:00.000-07:00

today was rather full. of a lot of things. some great things. some not-so-great things. when it was time to go home, i couldn't wait to get there. i was tired and ready to put a stamp on this day and mail it off to wherever past days go.

usually i take the train and walk to work. today i had to drive. so i couldn't wait for madge to sail through all the stop lights on the way home. i got behind the wheel more stressed than i should have been.

at the third stop light from home, everything changed.

i saw a man shuffling along with a walker. very, very SLOWLY shuffling. his frail legs and feet being pulled along the pavement, more so by his will than their ability.

two green lights went by before he crossed the street and i could move. and then i realized i didn't want to move. i wanted to watch him. his will in action. a living reminder i needed.

a year ago i couldn't move across that same crosswalk at a pace any more swift than him. and yet, merely a year later, i had forgotten.

we tend to see the lessons when they're someone else's. why is that?

i needed that man today. and i'll need him tomorrow.

a remarkable something...

2009-07-19T13:45:00.000-07:00

one small little act of the day...one gigantic leap for tonyalynne! i browsed the stacks at powell's for a couple hours and WALKED OUT WITH NOTHING.

never have i visited this kingdom of books and pushed through the doors out into the pearl district without a book under my arm. i'm growing, i guess. and yet, a day later, i am still pining away for some of the obscure titles i passed over.

people sometimes ask me why i live in portland. this place is one reason.

i heart powell's. and i thank them for being so understanding as to not take my money yesterday.

another visit will come soon enough...

painting...again

2009-07-11T17:37:00.001-07:00

so i'm back at it.

still wondering if i actually should be. but the act of painting is quite cathartic, whatever the result. and the HOMEMADE root beer my friend made for me eases the process along quite nicely.

i am currently laying on the floor with root beer in hand and a fan in my face, waiting for the next coat of "desert" brown to dry on the hallway door. i got a new brush -- a recommendation from my roommate -- and the first coat of paint slid on the door much better than the "bloody red" episode i had a couple weeks ago.

funny side note: the store paint mixer this morning said "wow, you sure like dark colors" as she blended both the "desert" and "chocolate" browns i intend to use on the doors and frames around here. i smiled. indeed, i do.

want pictures? you'll just have to wait. there is so much more to do before i unveil my terribly inept painter's hand to the world.

back to it...

a dream...

2009-07-10T20:18:00.000-07:00

a dream
a dream of my friend
she's dying -- she's living yet dead
as she stands, swaying with the crowd

a mob of hairless, beautiful women
they stand, dizzily stand
they cry, but only with their eyes
only with their hands and hearts
do they scream...

the beach...peeples style...

2009-07-06T14:09:00.000-07:00

yesterday evening i returned from a couple days in long beach, washington. every year, one side of my family gathers at my grandmother's camping lot for a 4th of july family reunion. people travel from near and far to dig sandcastles, eat, catch up over the ever-burning fire pit, eat and drink, wade in the pacific ocean, eat again, wander down main street, and watch fireworks along the boardwalk or some other locale. oh, and did i mention we tend to eat?

this reunion varies in size from year to year. when i was young, i remember it being fairly intimate. but this family has grown! we're now usually camped out in 3-4 trailers and 6-8 tents, plus day visitors. we all lead very different (and separate) lives every other weekend of the year but the 4th of july holiday break is a chance to connect and remember we're all still family, despite these differences.

beyond eating and conversing over the fire pit, another long-standing tradition of this family is to ride the adult go karts. it's a rite of passage for any 12-year-old in our family and something none of us takes very lightly. we are rather fiercely competitive. case in point: while waiting in line to ride, we usually let other people cut into line in front of us in order to ensure we can all race together at once.

due to my recovering back injury, i wasn't able to ride this year. my level of disappointment surprised even me. i guess i am more competitive than i thought.

so here are my photos from the sidelines. for those of you reading this who are in this crazy family, i'll see you on the track next year...

somebody stop me...

2009-07-03T19:16:00.000-07:00

...i'm mulling over paint samples again!

i found some more samples on my living room floor this evening and started rethinking my color scheme. what is wrong with me? (don't answer that...)

okay, i'll answer it. i cannot seem to commit. to even some bloody paint on my rental walls. ridiculous!

after work, my exercise of choice for the day was to walk around downtown in 90 degree heat. i wandered through the blues festival and caught sight of many fascinating new characters for an as-yet-to-be-written story before i decided to pick up the pace to sweat off the ice cream i intend to have on my porch this evening.

when i finally arrived home, i was drenched. and eager to find a makeshift fan in my excruciatingly stuffy apartment. (i think i might sleep in my car tonight)

as i rolled onto the living room floor in exhaustion, i grabbed some paint sample cards to wave in my face.

i've cooled off now--to a mild sweat, anyway.

but now i'm rethinking all things paint.

eating humble pie...

2009-06-27T18:56:00.000-07:00

do you ever believe you're pretty good at doing something and then discover you really aren't? a deflating feeling captures your spirit and asks you to succumb to the reality of mediocrity.

such has been my saturday.

i awoke this morning feeling particularly industrious...with an itch to paint. some of you know, i've been pondering this for awhile now. the difficult part (at least i thought) would be in finding the colors. there are WAY too many colors out there.

with the guidance of several friends in the last few months, i've narrowed down the list to a small handful of paint chips begging to transform my eggshell white apartment into an earthy sanctuary -- warm chocolate browns, african sunset orange...

funny side note: after reviewing approximately 37 different colors of red, i chose the "classic red." lame, huh? i guess i'm not very original either.

since i don't have the time (nor the ability with a continuing-to-recover-back-injury)to paint the high walls of market street at the moment, i decided to simply jaunt to the paint store for some "classic red" to paint the kitchen door.

several hours and natural root beer later, the door has dried and looks absolutely terrible. straight out of "my kid could paint that." smudges, unevenness and a healthy slice of humble pie.

i am a god-awful painter!

i thought i had learned to paint well as a child, often helping my father paint his piles of metal a basic flat black (or semi-gloss if i was feeling particularly fancy). why didn't he tell me i suck at such a task?

despite being extra careful, a few blotches also landed "just so" on the molding around the kitchen door. from the apartment hallway viewpoint, you might think someone was murdered in the kitchen, leaving a trail of splattered blood on the door frame. not exactly the look i was going for...

so, another root beer in hand, i write this as i stare at my new, bloody kitchen door. and i wonder if the rest of those paint chips will ever land on the walls of market street...

how have you been?

2009-06-20T13:52:00.000-07:00

i haven't talked with you much lately. my friend was so kind as to let me borrow her computer and internet access for a few hours so i could catch up on all my emails and self-deprecating banter on this little ol' blog.

why self-deprecating? well, why not?

besides, who wouldn't want to make fun of a woman who admits to...

~possessing an intense frustration with all "handy" electronic reading machines. you know the kind -- where you download entire books and scroll through them on airplanes and beach towels to save yourself from packing a clunky volume or two. this is maddening, i tell you! whatever happened to cherishing the crisp feel of the page between your fingers or ferociously turning the page in unhinged anticipation of what is to come?

~switching to whole grain macaroni and cheese. a huge sacrifice for anyone who knows my childhood days.

~owning approximately five sweatshirts but ALWAYS taking a saturday walk in the red, hooded one. now, exactly why is that?

~absolutely loving public transportation as much as driving around in "Madge." i always thought i most loved the open road when i could drive alone with the windows down, the music blaring, and my foot to the floor (what can i say? i'm my father's daughter.) but i have come to also love shoving the ipod ear pieces in and chillin'out on the train, the bus, or the occasional taxi or airplane. it's the people-watching, i think.

~realizing how much i love home. and that home is what knows me best, despite all the soul-searching i may do elsewhere. while i must admit i adore traveling, i also love the feeling of turning the key into my own place. how funny, considering i'm merely a renter.

~tearing a picture of a dog out of a magazine at les scwhab seven years ago and knowing in my heart i will own that dog (not that exact one...just the chocolate lab breed) in the future. his name will be dublin.

~taking extra good care of "madge" so i can take a road trip to the grand canyon next year over a long weekend. no, it's not a thelma and louise moment. just a journey i'd like to take. "madge" wants to see that big canyon too.

~the fact that looking out my kitchen window at my perfectionistic neighbors is as much fun now as it was four years ago. seriously...a few leaves on your brick patio won't kill you.

~that i just learned about ice cream drumsticks -- you know the kind with the sugar cone, ice cream, dipped in chocolate and drizzled with peanuts. yes, my dear roommate had to teach me that such delicacies exist.

~continuously learning i have an addiction to buying books WAY before i'll have time to read them. i seem to think i'll never find them again or something. but one look at them sitting on my bookshelf -- waiting for me -- is comforting somehow. i know -- you can say it...nerd.

~recognizing i am a strong, courageous, albeit nerdy, woman who is grateful for what she has, working hard to not pine away for something she doesn't, aching to make herself useful to this world in just the right way , and realizing that maybe -- just maybe -- she already is.

so that's what is up with me today. how about you?

where i've been...

2009-06-02T17:16:00.000-07:00

i haven't really gone MIA on you. i've just been enjoying the rose city weather and this lovely porch of mine. fiddling with my plants, reading books, continuing my feeble attempt at writing one, and resting. i am a firm believer in true, pure rest. something i'm learning a bit later in life than i should have...but am learning nonetheless. what a lesson, eh?

sure, i have challenges like everyone else. and plenty of reasons that give me pause before i get out of bed in the morning. this time last year, for example, i couldn't even walk onto this porch, let alone sit down on it. it's amazing how much can change in one year. this porch has seen me through a lot.

but you see, this isn't just a porch. it's a sanctuary. with a killer view of mt. st. helens. no matter how much my life is changing (or not), the view from this porch reminds me how small, yet very significant, i actually am. it's not what i do with my time...it's how i value the time i've been given.

new york gets under your skin...

2009-05-23T13:16:00.001-07:00

...in the best of ways.

for my 31st birthday, i hopped on a plane to visit my cousin carmen and take an actual vacation, which is something i am quite horrible at making time for in my life.

it was fabulous to see a piece of dear carmen's world and catch up on the randomness of life. it was also a pleasure to meet madge, her friend's cat, who happens to know the bible better than i do. odd, but true.

for a city that supposedly never sleeps, it was absolutely relaxing. wandering around in different neighborhoods and people-watching was my primary objective most days and was accomplished beautifully.

central park. the east side. chinatown. little italy. circle in the square theatre. times square. the west side. rockefeller center. tudor city. the village. grand central station. the hudson. the united nations. the brooklyn bridge.

a tremendous opportunity to get away from my everyday and live in someone else's everyday. thanks to my dear cousin for putting up with me. and thanks to new york for reminding me how wonderful you are...

ER check-up...

2009-05-23T12:19:00.000-07:00

a few friends have asked lately where i stand on my ER marathon. they've asked questions like "have you quit watching it yet?" or "what episode are you on?"

my favorites are the comments and the eye-rolling that comes along with these inquiries, all to suggest i may not have a life. or one outside of watching a tv series, anyway.

however, i am pleased to inform you (and any dissenters of my ER marathon project out there) that my life is very full yet i am still finding moments to continue this little marathon. i am currently watching Season Four (or 74 episodes in thus far) and am absolutely loving it! this show was just brilliant in so many ways.

here's a few things i've learned on my little ER rotation so far...

~nurses, not doctors, are the heart and soul of the ER. their work with patients deeply inspires me. i'm still wondering why i didn't choose this profession.

~the medicine LASIK got its name simply because it lasts six hours in one's system.

~janitors of ERs tend to be people of deep faith. the stuff they clean up after a bloody trauma reinforces their belief in something far greater than you and i.

~a hospital will forever remain a place of joy and anguish. it is simply our decision of how we choose to look at it.

~dr. doug ross actually IS george clooney. was george ever actually acting in this role?

~taking a risk is ALWAYS worth it.

and while i will refrain from giving an unsolicited review of my favorite episodes, here is a list of those i have found particularly incredible.

SEASON ONE:

The Pilot
Blizzard
Love's Labor Lost
Motherhood

SEASON TWO:

Hell & High Water
A Miracle Happens Here
Baby Shower
The Healers
A Shift in the Night
Take These Broken Wings

SEASON THREE:

Union Station
The Long Way Around
Faith
Calling Dr. Hathaway

SEASON FOUR:

Ambush

since i'm only in the middle of Season Four, i'm sure they'll be more to come.

okay, back to reality...

RIP Helene

2009-04-27T18:36:00.001-07:00

sorry to have been missing in action lately.

but my beloved computer -- helene was her name -- has died. rendering me devoid of regular blog postings, email communication, and endless hours of web surfing.

helene was nearly 12 years old, custom built by those guys at dell, and a real firecracker. she had gray hair, blue eyes, and wore a black dress every day. she enjoyed rockin' out to many an eclectic lyric from the itunes library she had come to regard as a staple in her life. she was highly organized, meticulous about ensuring she had her annual exams and took other preventative measures to maintain her overall health.

yet, she had a lot of friends -- casual and intimate -- who would often drop by random bits of mail and such to her doorstep. sometimes desired and other times not. one such letter in the mailbox might have ended her life, actually. the autopsy has yet to confirm her cause of death. and i'm not sure i even want to put helene's body through such a rigorous procedure after having to live 12 years with my endless bantering. maybe she died simply to shut me up...

so there it is. my reason for being mia lately.

rest in peace, helene...

the monday flu...

2009-04-13T10:57:00.000-07:00

i'm supposed to be here...my desk at work on a monday afternoon. married to the phone and coaching one student after another. instead, i am fighting a nasty case of the flu in bed at home.

i could feel it creeping into my body, in a way, over the last few days. general malaise, nausea, and lack of desire to eat anything, even Easter delicacies. it isn't until my body tires that i realize how weary my spirit is too. perhaps it is WHY my body tires...so my spirit can then catch a breath.

so even though i am missing great conversations with students today, i will rest up, drink a ton of fluids, read until i fall asleep, and know that by doing so, i will better serve them tomorrow.

love in a church pew...

2009-04-11T12:52:00.000-07:00

Holy Week is here and the church pews are more full than usual..a truly blessed thing. i love this time of the year -- filled with grief, hope, death, and life. a time of contemplation and a time of celebration. a week when people of all faiths are reminded of their humanity, the futile nature of conflict, and the healing we all need, regardless of belief. the closer we look at our differences, the more we see we are all the same.

i got off work a bit later than i would have liked on Holy Thursday, causing me to arrive just in time for the start of the Mass of the Lord's Supper at a church across the river in NE. rain was pouring from the sky and parking was nonexistent. i waded through the puddles to enter an incense-laden sanctuary overflowing with people. suddenly, the lateness of my arrival and my soaking wet pant legs didn't matter.

a petite elderly woman graciously allowed me to squeeze into a seat next to her at the end of the second-to-the-last pew of the large church. i was blessed -- countless people lined the aisles and vestibule, standing and kneeling on the wooden floor for two hours.

shortly after my arrival, i watched as a forty-something year old man led his elderly parents down the aisle to my left, searching for a seat for all three of them. he only found one seat -- for his mother -- a couple rows from the front of the church. he found another -- for his father -- two rows ahead of me. the son then took his own seat in a chair in the aisle alone.

his father was clearly overwhelmed by their separation, constantly craning his neck toward the front of the church for a glimpse of his wife. and then toward the back for a view of his son. his eyes held an unspoken plea.

following the procession and start of the Mass, the elderly man arose from his seat in the pew and shuffled with his cane and hunched-back down the aisle toward his wife. i watched as he lingered by where she sat, getting her attention with a soft nudge of a nearby parishioner. meanwhile, the son sat upright in his chair, earnestly watching his father and wondering exactly when he might need to arise and prevent his father from disrupting the service.

the father waited in the aisle, standing alone in a seated sanctuary, until his wife arose and followed him back to his seat. no words were exchanged. as he shuffled behind her up the aisle toward me, his face shifted from one of desperation to sincere contentment. she was with him. she would sit next to him the rest of the service. they wouldn't have to spend a mass apart.

the love and warmth he bestowed upon her brought me to tears. how often do you see that kind of love? how often do you actually FEEL that kind of love?

and why don't i bestow that kind of regard upon my loving Father as this man does for his wife? where the love is so intense i am desperate for it and never more content than when He is by my side.

sure, He is always by my side, but it is I who must acknowledge His presence, want Him around, and cherish the gift of Himself more than anything else.

taking lunch...

2009-04-01T14:47:00.000-07:00

i hate to admit it...but i rarely take a "non-working" lunch.

do i actually eat lunch? yes (so no grumbling from you maternal types)...but i seldom JUST eat lunch. i am usually conversing with a coworker, entrenched in email correspondence, or shuffling random admin work during this little break between coaching sessions. just sitting down and eating my lunch has always seemed like a 30 minute waste of my multi-tasking skills. :)

today i am living on the edge. i am actually eating my lunch and doing nothing else. (except telling you about it).

a beautiful discovery of 30 minutes for calm in my day.

(finishing this note now. going back to full calm...)

peace and quiet...

2009-03-28T22:58:00.000-07:00

the gloominess of this stormy saturday has drifted away, leaving a starry night sky with a beautiful crescent moon winking at the rose city. today has been blissfully solitary and i am grateful to have spoken little today.

the work week was long and full of many difficult conversations with intensely struggling people. i love my job - i am so grateful to be there for each one of them in some small way. even so, i often need a weekend where i purposely don't charge my cell phone battery, choosing to get lost in a book or by wandering the streets of portland. i did both of these today...

i love getting lost.

vigil mass was without lights for a bit -- just the candlelight -- and i was bummed when the electrical current found its way to the service again. this lenten season belongs in the dark.

shortly after the start of mass, a guy and his little boy came to sit in the empty pew next to me. the guy was damn attractive...but bloody married! that's always the case, isn't it?

after a brief stop at target for household cleaners and laundry soap (a favorite store of mine as well as my dear cousin julia), i arrived home to clean my bathroom (a fabulous saturday night activity, eh?) and climb into bed with a book and a dramatic film.

sure, there are busy weekends, full of one adventure here and another activity there. but sometimes my spirit just loves peace and quiet...

closing the ER doors...

2009-03-27T21:35:00.000-07:00

after 15 seasons and half my life, ER is closing the doors to county general hospital this coming thursday evening.

sure, it may be silly but i must admit i will indeed cry when the final credits of this incredible drama roll.

while the viewership has been down in recent years and some seasons got a bit more "soapy" than i would have liked, this show has singularly transformed television drama.

without ER, other dramas currently high in ratings and adept at cutting edge photography, visual effects, and scripting would never have even gotten out of a writer's head and onto the studio lot. ER's gurneys paved the way and countless shows have followed in its bloody path.

oh, and no one would know the name george clooney.

on a personal note, i grew up with ER. it was the first (and remains the only) show i've ever consistently watched. but it's just a tv show, you say. true, yes...but you see, even more personally, i grew up IN an ER and various other medical settings. so this place--even for an hour a week--feels like coming home in some oddly comforting (and sometimes pathetic) way.

sure, i have favorite characters and story-lines but the essence of my love for this drama is in how it brought everything home -- life's ache, hope, fear, joy, anguish, doubt, peace. the sheer power of human will often juxtaposed with the fight against and acceptance of something far more greater than we will ever understand.

i collect the DVD box sets and still have a few more seasons to complete the collection of 332 episodes, beginning with the pilot in September 1994. once the show closes, however, i intend to pay tribute to its brilliance with an ER marathon.

my mission? to watch all 332 episodes. it took an entire summer once for me to watch two seasons of ER. how long do you think it will take me to watch the entire series? i'm curious...what's your vote? a year? two? five? one month if i don't leave the house or my pajamas?

there's a great saying out there -- anyone (or anything) can be your teacher.

thank you, ER, for being one of mine...

spirit week...of sorts...

2009-03-19T20:29:00.000-07:00

do you ever go to the clothes closet in the morning and stand there for way too long, wondering what to possibly wear? or how best to pull off something without it wearing you, instead of you donning it?

this has been me lately. so this week i decided to be done with those stupid "business casual" outfits i tend to recycle more often than those bed, bath, and beyond 20% off coupons that arrive in the mail in what seems like everyday.

i digress. sorry.

this week i have changed things up a bit. i've selected a theme for every day and have been dressing according to that theme. now, i know it may seem fairly ludicrous of me to even consider "what to wear" an actual problem. or how self-centered of me to even hold a second thought on the matter when i am lucky enough to have a closet full of clothes. sheer boredom with one's wardrobe is rather silly when you really think about it...

that said, taking a routine and mixing things up a bit can also shed light on one's life in new and fascinating ways. walking through town in each themed outfit also presents intriguing (and sometimes startling) experiences. so often we really do pass judgments on "book covers." what began as a quest to overcome wardrobe boredom has evolved to be a full course in cultural anthropology. love it...!

i don't have pics yet but here's a quick rundown of this week's themes.

Monday ~ Goth Girl
Tuesday ~ Little Miss Sunshine
Wednesday ~ Sexy Librarian
Thursday ~ Gypsy
Friday ~ Rocker Chic

more to come...

voices...

2009-03-19T00:04:00.000-07:00

...sometimes i wonder if these blog entries are just me talking to myself...i wonder if i should actually listen or just tell myself to shut up...?

my random thought for wednesday...

curling up with a good book...

2009-03-15T18:40:00.001-07:00

...is my favorite way to lose an entire sunday afternoon. the bamboo trees outside my living room window are wrestling each other in the hail and wind of this march day. i slept in this morning and went to 11 am mass instead of earlier just so i could listen to the delicate rattle of the rain give way to the mid-morning sunshine around portland.

hours later, pieces of ice are tickling the windowsill as i read. oh, the constant change of weather here! i absolutely love it -- the struggle of wills between the sun and rain this time of the year is rather enamoring.

i have been devouring many a book lately. it's like i am hungry for something and hoping to find it within the pages of a dramatic fiction, spiritual treatise, or heartbreaking memoir.

i have spent many an evening this winter curled up with book on my red couch or in bed. as you can see from the photo, my bedside table and floor beneath is overflowing with literature, red-inked pages of my own novel-in-the-making, and the canning jar i use as a water bottle.

i also just added several books to my ever-growing "to read" list...i wonder if there is enough time left in my life to read everything on that list?

here's what is laying by the bed these days...

~richard yates' "disturbing the peace," which i just finished and am still mulling over who would play the lead character in the play adaptation.

~lisa genova's "still alice," which i have barely begun but can already tell it will haunt me in the best of ways.

~"the harlot by the side of the road," the author escapes me at present but his unveiling of the darker aspects of oh-so-famous biblical narratives is astounding.

~mother teresa's essential writings...her simplistic brilliance pierces my spirit in this lenten season.

~thomas hardy's "jude the obscure" for like the tenth time. jude's angst and earnest desire to be something more than he is--and the repercussions that can have--is as poignant as ever.

~the writings of saint paul...timeless. necessary.

i've also got a few half-done crossword puzzles lurking out from under these books and journals. for those times when searching for a word is needed far more than finding it.

what are you reading these days?

just so you know...

2009-03-15T17:57:00.000-07:00

...i intended on sharing a bunch of pics i've taken recently on my jaunts throughout this lovely town. however, the damn photobucket has rattled my nerves for the past 30 minutes so i am posting nothing but these rambling words today.

sorry guys...maybe later i'll have more patience...

to paint or not to paint...

2009-03-07T11:41:00.000-08:00

...this is a question i have been mulling over for oh...about three years.

do i go crazy with painting my apartment when it's a rental?

how much money does one plunk down to better a rented abode, anyway? some say absolutely nothing, even if you detest its current features. others say just the opposite; do whatever you need to in order to feel 'at home.'

now, unlike some, i wouldn't desire to do anything drastic, such as put up new moldings, window treatments, or install dimmers on all the lights (although i would love to) just to then move away several months later.

currently, the walls on market street are a warm ivory tone. now, don't get me wrong, i love ivory. it's a lovely color. however, after nearly four years of it, i am wondering if i should start branching out.

but if i paint one wall, will i then need to paint another? and then another?

and do i really want to get that rental deposit back if i actually do leave this place one day?

so many questions!

all for a bloody can of paint...

is taupe truly calming?

2009-03-01T11:26:00.000-08:00

we've heard it said here and there...a soft color palette is supposed to lower the blood pressure, ease anxiety, and provide a genuine sense of calm.

i'm not sure this is true.

in my time spent in doctor's offices, hospitals, and nursing homes, i have found taupe to be a rather maddening color. it isn't the taupe itself (i rather like taupe in other venues) but in medical locales, taupe always seems to be accented with ridiculous framed paintings of placid lakes, stunning hilltop views, or graceful birds flying in the air.

i suppose these images are intended to, along with the taupe backdrop, ease one's anxieties while sitting in a waiting room. to allow one to escape for a moment into the cool breeze coming off that hilltop. or to imagine laying within the pool of the lake, creating a ripple through the waters off your body. or to imagine soaring above great heights with the eagles. or simply just a pack of crows.

i am sure i am not the first to say, nor will be the last; i never have such thoughts while gazing at these images. furthermore, the combination of taupe and muted landscapes should be banned in every medical office in this country. the AMA should also look into these elements as additional risk factors for increased blood pressure and respiratory failure.

maybe this is a generalization i should not be making but here goes anyway. people most often feel comforted by the truth, whatever it may be.

sitting and waiting for what may (or may not) be a difficult truth is, in no way, aided by a lie. a lie fabricated by the mere images evoked from a gentle, warm taupe canvas. in fact, these pictures cause a rise in anxiety simply due to a internal struggle between "the waiting" and these walls' definitions of "how one should wait."

wouldn't it be more helpful to anyone sitting in a medical waiting room to have images that project reality of some kind? after all, that is indeed what they are waiting for...

how about images that offer a reflection of their thoughts? a sharpness of focus? a genuine mountain image showing all its ridges and crevices rather than a flat, turquoise-oiled one? or how about colors of every spectrum to support people and feelings of every spectrum?

the next time i return to a medical waiting room, i will attempt to either shove my head into a book or imagine myself flying away like those birds. except, unlike the picture, there will be depth to my skyline and a keen motivation to fly far away from where i am...

random conversations...

2009-02-17T19:36:00.000-08:00

on my train rides to and from work, i sometimes only "pretend" to listen to my ipod music and instead eavesdrop on random conversations between passengers -- things they say to one another, things they say into a cell phone, or things they say to themselves.

here's a sampling from the last few days...

Two teenage-girls who couldn't have been more than 14 years old boarded the train. one girl was itching her inner thigh and crotch constantly and rather indiscreetly. the other girl seemed to be looking out for her. they were on their way to kaiser urgent care in a suburb of town to find out if she had an STD. "shit, what if i were pregnant?" she asked her friend, who then asked "what would you do?" her response: "well, if i was, i sure as hell wouldn't tell some guy it was theirs...why pretend you know...it could be any one of six guys...how the f@%# would i know? so i just wouldn't tell any one of them. god, i hope it's an STD."

a young guy, very clean cut with a tailored wool jacket talking quietly (not quietly enough, apparently) into his cell phone. "yeah, i know...but he wouldn't give me any more....no, no, i've got one vicodin left...that's what i'm tellin' ya. i took some today...no, no, i only took a couple. oh, and also my prescription. dude, that's what i'm sayin'...i need 'em."

an elderly woman talking to her dog, who sat on her shoulder. "baby, i know...but we're almost there."

a thirty-something down-and-out guy asking every passenger for "regular dollar bills in exchange for quarters" (which he carried in his palm to show he was 'good for it.') "you sure you don't have a regular dollar bill...you know a flat one? 'cause i need a room for the night." moments later, after asking everyone in the train car, he pulled a fancy verizon cell phone that was ringing a random musical lyric from his pocket to answer a call from a friend. "yeah, yeah, i'm workin' on it. i'm on the train right now. no, no one seems to carry cash anymore."

a middle-aged woman on her way to work, cursing into her cell phone about intel. "and i told that customer service bitch where to go...and to give me a full refund. "i swear, they are just throwing money away, that company, and pissing everyone off too. i f#%$-in told her that and then told her supervisor. (pause) yeah! damn right i did!"

a young mother dropped her bag while attempting to get her stroller (with baby inside) off the train at a stop. a guy standing on the train reached down, picked it up, and tapped her on the shoulder to return it. in the process, his shirt sleeve went up to reveal a very cool tat. "excuse me ma'am, you dropped this...oh, thank you!...no problem, have a good day!" the young mother, however flustered, was grateful.

i love this world...whatever dark, bleak, or weary situation we find ourselves in, there is always someone hurting to remind us we are not alone, we are in this together, and there is great beauty along the way.

grammy-ness...

2009-02-08T21:23:00.000-08:00

congrats to the british songstress ADELE for taking two Grammys this evening, including best new artist!

having been mesmerized by her live performance just a mere two weeks ago in the rose city, i am excited to know the industry is formally recognizing her for this incredible talent.

i have probably written about ADELE way too many times on this blog but her work should be noticed and appreciated. so, please, if my begging hasn't already worked on you before, check her work out here or here.

okay, i'm done now. back to grammy-less life.

P.S. speaking of awards season...

if you could win an award, which would it be? an oscar, emmy, grammy, SAG, golden globe, country music, tony, etc. and who would you thank in your acceptance speech? just curious...

happy birthday mum...

2009-02-07T09:28:00.000-08:00

february 7th is such a day of mixed emotions. elation first comes to mind at the thought of your birth 63 years ago. i am so grateful He saw fit to share you with this world for a time.

not just because i wouldn't be here otherwise. mainly because your presence in this world made us all just a bit better. or, at the very least, made us think about how we could give the best of ourselves back to the Heavens.

i am still trying to hang onto that wisdom.

another emotion clouds up today as well. a heaviness or weight that, even four years later, slices through the heart. i can hear you say "i am fine" and "not to worry." but the ache still remains sharp, especially today and as we head into this week full of memories.

there are a great many things i could say. but a great many more i cannot even write. so i will simply say this.

i love you, mom. thank you for fighting for my life. thank you for all the things i never said "thank you" for. thank you for showing me the power of surrender to a loving God whose plan for us is perfect even in the midst of agony.

i celebrate with you today. and i humbly try to honor you every day.